I have been asked by several where Chloe and I are in our life and all I can say is that it’s about the same as it has been except that fact that we are starting to stabilize and our success’s here have been monumental in comparison to the last 4 years of HELL. Chloe is doing super well here and her awards are stacking up. She is a candidate for the National Honor Society next year and has been given 6 Art Scholarships as well as 1st place in the District Art Competition. She is doing so well and she is so happy. I have a full-time job and we are standing on at least one foot. It’s been a long time since we have been able to have just our basic needs met. We live in a community that is supportive, loving and has been ever so welcoming.
HOWEVER, we still live in fear. I think it will take a long time to heal from this but its still lurking in us.
Fear is a monster inside your mind. It can be deeply debilitating and can consume a person for their entire life. Fear is a beast that is only fed off by angry and hateful people. Abusers love to insight fear. They love to watch or learn of your suffering. They enjoy the thought that you are hurting. They love the control they have over you. My daughter and I have lived in fear for several years now. There is nothing more painful than being afraid of someone so deeply that it ruins your ability to sleep. It ruins your ability to play outside as a child. Fear becomes a huge part of your daily routine. Especially if you have become fearful of a person. I watch everything. The placement of everything on our porch, lawn and check for tire marks. I recheck all the doors and windows several times. This is what we have been resorted too. Chloe watches her clock anxiously for after school pick up and if I am running late, she fears what may have happened. She has been told by him what he wants to do to me. She has over heard him tell others how he wants to destroy me. She has seen him hurt all of us. She knows that he is deeply angry.
We live this EVERY single day. Even at 1500 miles away and a restraining order, we still live looking over our shoulders as he has creatively found ways to hurt us.
Anger is another monster but anger can only exist if someone becomes addicted to it. The person in our life that we are afraid of, terrorizes us. It was almost daily and now he is circumventing a restraining order to cause us even more harm. He uses Alternative Facts to garner legal actions against me that are untrue yet cause real problems for us. No lawyer will help us as we have been forced into poverty. In NH you are only a person with right IF you have money. His intention is to have us suffer. He is gifted at name calling, manipulation, coercion and he is so obsessed with hurting me. He will do anything and everything he can to hurt us. The NH courts have denied protecting us for years now. I ask for help and the NH courts penalize me for asking as I “don’t understand the cost of court’. The NH Courts have refused to force him to get the help he needs. The NH police allow him to haunt us. So, we live in constant fear of what he will do next.
This will never end as he is not held accountable for his actions and he is hell bent on insuring that I am either dead or incarcerated. He states over and over how he can’t wait to “get rid of me” or he say’s “good ridden.” This has been the process of beating me down, demeaning me and demoralizing me for 20 years. It’s only been the last 7 that he has demonstrated his obsessive hatred and desire to cause irreparable harm to us. I am confident that if witch burning was still a thing, I would be strung up and burned alive while he sat back and grinned. He likes to hurt us. I am not the only one he has done this too and I am sure there will be more.
And there is NO help for us. We have searched and searched and no one can help this broke lady. We just get to live in fear and the knowing that he will not stop as he will never be able to satisfy his hatred for me. We are NOT protected in NH. The courts have acknowledged for years his hatred and anger towards me and yet still refuse to force him to get help.
I have forgiven him. I can’t live my life suffering because of him. WE need to heal and move on. Its taking time and it’s a lot of work but living is very important to us. Raising my daughter in a healthy way is important to me. I don’t want her to fear men but she does. The Judge is Male and denied her a voice. The Guardian at litem, also male and did not represent her wishes. Her father also denies her voice. She needs to know that she is loved and that even though this one person has a sickness, its not her fault. Its not my fault. I pray that one day, he will get help and then we can all live in peace as we should be able too.
So, thank you all for the love and support. We have been very appreciative to all of you. We still have one more leg of this nightmare to experience and I am exhausted from this 7 year circus. It has been unnecessary and a useless waste of time. This has hurt all of us and torn a family apart entirely. I only hope that this last leg of this experience, we can all finally get to that healing part and move on in our lives.
Until next time……