Life is not a simple thing. Throughout everything, life has been a struggle for me. I think mostly, I have struggled because I had never known there was another way. I knew that other people were more fortunate but me………I would never be anything. I would never grow into a person who was successful as that just wasn’t how I was raised. I was raised to know that I am a failure and I married a man who reminds me, to this very day, how I am still a failure. What I had learned as a child, is that women were property, objects to objectify and that the only value they have is to raise children.
I was raised with the awareness that men are brutal, mean and hot headed. That children are an inconvenience and that money was the root of all evil. Money was the drain on humans as I will never know how to live with it or without it. Poverty currently circles us as though I am a dead mouse and Poverty is the hungry vulture. I am learning to navigate this new life and well frankly, I am working hard to get us out of being the “dead mouse”. I have many obstacles that have been a HUGE distraction and I am learning that I am ALLOWING those people, events and bills to be an emotional excuse as to why I remain in this ‘circle jerk’ of situation. Selfblame is an easy OUT when you have been abused most of your life. Its even easier when the hundreds of emails I get from my Ex remind me what a failure I am.
Or at least to him.
I am 40 now and have lived a very chaotic and mostly painful life. I have realized that from this year forward, I will be focused on doing what it is that will make this life the very best life. I am healing all aspects of myself, from health to getting into better shape to ensuring that all my medical issues are resolved before the end of 2016. The #7thDistrictCourt in #NewHampshire made the decision to remove all of our Financial Security, our Family and Friend Supports and Deny us our HOME. So, now I have been re-inventing our lives to live in a temporary place for a unknown amount of Time. Of Course, as Chloe gets older, it will be harder to force her to visit her Father and the amount of Miles between them will make little difference, although the courts feel adamant to FORCE her on him. This too shall pass and we will be free again. This has been hard as I want nothing more than to ROOT somewhere and allow my Branches to GROW. But I do have Gypsy blood and in that I am able to adapt and amendable to what is thrown at us.
Maybe having “Roots” is not what we need at this time? Goodness is the Universe SO clear and I am SO stubborn!!
I am diligently working towards my dream career which is Motivational Speaking and even though that takes a LOT of time to build, I am doing all that I can to make it happen. It’s my passion and I will die doing what I love, knowing that everything that was done has been done and what I am DOING is full of Grace and love. As you will read in my upcoming Book “In Pride & Prejudice: A Relocation Nightmare” Chloe and I have had our Ass’s handed to us OVER and OVER again and the failure of the #NewHampshire #JudicalSystem is baffling.
BUT we mange through it, anyway.
Yesterday is a perfect example as to how we will prevail and make the most out of our days. Yesterday, Chloe was able to attend her first Pro Baseball game in lue of the fact that she won tickets through a reading Challenge. We spent the day in the sun, watching a ball game and just enjoying our life as it is, in the moment. She was beaming and so happy. She giggled and snuggled. I watched her enjoying other people’s loving moments in the stand. She smiled at the silliest kids and the father cheering his son on. She had an Ear to Ear Grin all day.
No one can ever take THAT away from us.
Yes, we are indeed “broke as a joke” and we are struggling to get back on our feet, but we do not struggle with how much we love each other and how hard we work to get this train back on track. We have developed new friendships, new ideas, New dreams and are ready to take on whatever is sent to us. We are both hoping that the Universe starts sending us the GOOD STUFF and that we can find a decent temporary place to live to finish our “Sentence” here in New Hampshire. I am hoping that I can find Temporary employment that is ENJOYABLE until my Speaking Circuit becomes the dominate factor in my life. The hard work will pay off and time ticks away. I love reinventing our lives and love learning how to grow. I never want to GROW UP but I do want to grow and I could not be more grateful at this time for all that I have learned, it has only paved my way to my personal passion and that’s to Motivate others on their journey.
IF I CAN, oh boy YOU so CAN………
Until Next Time…….