As I walk through the Valley of Darkeness

 

I love the night sky and can tell you how delicious it is viewing from several thousand miles above the ground. I watch the lights on the streets turn on as the sun falls swiftly behind the horizon. It’s amazing to see little cars driving fast through the streets and the lights flicker. Sometimes, you can the ambulance or some very busy space. Humans fluttering about. Busy lives we live. We lead by our bills and by our obligations to our human desires.  I live vicariously through the knowing that everyone who is below, are living their daily lives. Mine is in a limbo. They are washing dishes, making supper, petting their dogs maybe even fighting.  I am up in the air fantasizing about all that is and could be transpiring below me. There is a miraculous nature about life and how we have complicated our everyday. While they, those folks below are busying themselves, worrying about their worries and going on with their routines, I am often fascinated by the fact that I can look down, take a deep breath and feel the life stirring around me.

I watch the houses, streets and lights slowly get smaller and eventually fade away until nothing-ness appears. The grand sky of black. The only light to be seen is that off the wings of the plane or a plane passing by. The vibration of the engines and the mild turbulence allows me to wonder what my destiny will be. How will tonight end and tomorrow begin. Will I be safe? Will Chloe see her mother again? All these unknowns. The unknowing of the human complex. A nature in which ego runs rampant and living fearless is a dream.

As I walk into my valley of Darkness, I must find light. My goal tonight is the knowing that he has done the very worse he can. The rest is now officially up hill. He has come to the end of his rope when it comes to hurting us.  Even in death we will prevail. Our lives are finally free of his anger. Tomorrow I get to look at him and let him know that I forgive him. That my daughters and my son deserve it. They can not be whole until I forgive him. It’s my duty and obligation to my children to forgive him. This certainly does not mean I am allowing him to continue. It means I no longer am tied to his hate. Hi malice. His anger. He can no longer hurt us. He has done the best he can do at this point. My children need to know that even in Darkness, there is light. Just a few more steps forward and maybe around a bend, it is there.

There is a possibility I could be arrested tomorrow (today). I understand that. I understand he has lied and the courts have me indicted on Child custody interference. I also understand there must be a trial. Even in Trumperica, this has yet to change. In that Trial, he will have to face all that he has done. Not just to me. To his Daughters. To his ex-wives. Yes, plural. The waste of money, time and energy on vengeance is overwhelming to me. Why can he not see the beauty in life and to realize that life is way too short to bother with such childish, petty nonsense.

I can say that I have grown in ways I probably would never have if I did not have to endure such tragedy. My daughter would not be so determined to have success if it wasn’t for what she has had to overcome from this sadness. She has turned into a stunning and deeply talented young lady. She has such a bright future ahead. As long as the courts stop taking her opportunities away, she will sail free and out of this cycle of abuse. Even if they do, she is now smart enough to figure out a way around them. How grateful am I to have been picked to be her mother?

As I fly 1600 miles north to an unknown, I realize how very grateful I am. I am stronger, wiser and far more loving then I may have been otherwise. I am clear on my goals and determined to see that the world changes its stance on domestic violence and child abuse. I want poverty to stop and for inequities to disappear. We are far too smart and far to advance to still suffer from this ignorance. I think the world is truly growing at an exponential rate. It’s clear to me with what is transpiring that as a species we are in a large growing pain. We have lit up our consciousness like a Molotov cocktail and we are hitting walls with repeating the same ol’ rhetoric. The initial excitement of our new administration to only realize how painful they are going to make living is realization enough.

As I fly closer, closer and closer to my new story, I raise a glass of Merlot to all of the women and children who have been forced to suffer the same. I raise a glass to all those in this fight and to all of those too blind to see. They too need credit for their blindness which  provides me the passion to shake them awake. To raise the awareness of the flawed judicial system and to raise the awareness that even in 2017, domestic violence is prevalent. I will prevail, in death in life and by voice. My story has almost reached all 7 continents. How grateful can I be?

Stronger. Newer. Wiser and much more able to handle the demons. Yes, I have arrived and I no longer fear you.

 

Until Next time……………..

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