What a summer! I can tell you it has been a ride for sure. Chloe, the pups, and I had a journey of a lifetime and I am grateful its almost over. DC was AMAZING and although I did not make a billion, I learned a lot about myself that I never knew. I have this nagging feeling that another shoe will drop, I also know that I lost all FUCKS I had prior to leaving for New Hampshire. The drama, trauma, and the years of mental abuse have finally come to an end. The relationships I had with narcissistic folks are now closed.
I was grateful that my bestie found a position that I could work for up north while my daughter was doing her “daddy visit”. I love the work, most of the people, and have started to feel like me again. I met wonderful people, learned a lot about myself, and realized I am a pretty fucking awesome boss. I was able to ALMOST pay my bills. The cost of this summer of closure? I lost my job here. My landlord flipped out on me over my lawn and everything we once owned is now at a dump.
EVERY DAY I worry about coming home to a “love note” on the door asking us to vacate. Trust me, most landlords lie through their teeth. The trauma has taken a toll. I can’t seem to catch up on bills no matter how many hours I work. I have a hard time sleeping as I worry about how much more my kid can take. The bills? They just keep coming, coming and coming. The car now has massive problems and there is no telling what is next. The list is long but the healing will be longer.
WE WILL SUCCEED!
The emotional journey has been hard. I fear more than I trust. I am more ready to just live in the car then deal with the bullshit. In court, my ex-lied over and over. He claimed that he has tried to contact Chloe’s school 5 times in 2 years with no luck. He also claimed that he doesn’t have a lot of time for this. (Ahem. 5 times is all you got? Father of the year, right?) Surprised? Nah. He made a lot of bs claims and was very pathetic on the stand. After 8 years, he still carries some fucking sob story of his bitterness and unwillingness to move forward. He sat there unable to explain how to co-parent much less a want too. How does he explain this to his 4th wife? She will never be more important to him than his vengeance against all of his ex-wives.
I almost felt sorry for him but then I realize he has a 4th wife. She is who I am sorry most for. One day, like the rest of us, she will wake up. She will begin to see. As is lawyer pushed during court, I sat in laughter. What a pathetic group of people? How sad they need to be so low in their efforts after all of these years. He even tried to get the judge to charge me another 4 thousand $ as he watches his child 90 days of 365. OUCH. Putting your kid through hell through poverty, homelessness, and back is far more important than giving her a parent who offers security, caring, love, and hugs. For him, its all about making money.
Even if his child suffers and goes without.
That must break his bank taking care of his 13 year old kid for 90 whole days?
Yeah, I am a little pissed off at the circus show that I can’t seem to get away from.
The Judge denied my ex’s bs request for 4K, thank goodness. The facts still remain that ALL he has done is try to hurt me, in turn, has hurt his daughters. Yes, both of them. So, I sit here with an empty fridge worried that I have to pay him another 4K just to shut him up. Yeah. That’s our life and how we are forced to live.
I went to take care of our personal effects that remained dormant in my friend’s basement only to find that all was ruined. Larger then that, as Chloe and I sorted through what we wished we could keep, I saw her childhood vanish. All the dolls she couldn’t play with, all the books she didnt get a chance to read. I cried so hard the first two days of cleaning. I hurt so deeply that this mans hatred and vengeance hurt a sweet child on so many levels. She had to grow up way too fast and she had to sacrifice her childhood over a father who wanted no more than to hurt her mother. The power in this is chilling as the only commonality she will ever have with her sister is that their father hates their mothers so much he has done everything money can buy to hurt their mothers. To keep them away from their mothers. To ensure they will never be respected as women as he certainly can not respect their mothers. Afterall, he is the most important example as to how a man should treat his women/daughters.
As Chloe and I sifted. the rain poured on us. This, of course, insured that nothing would be gifted, kept or even remembered. Yes, we lost absolutely everything. During this 8 week time, I learned that my friend died 2 days before I arrived. I learned about other friends who basically died due to heroin addiction. I have found that certain folk that claims friendship are full of it! I have finally met those who are truly my friend. Do I believe? Yes, without a doubt.
Why all of this?
- New Hampshire’s Judicial system failed us, repeatedly.
- A Man who “loved” us so much, he cost us every convenience that we could muster.
- Yes, “love”. Um.
The good news is that we are so freaking strong and at this point?
Nothing will stop us.
No BS. NO MORE!
Grateful to feel again?
Until NEXT time……