Thinking….brain is on FIRE now!!
Hardy Har Har! I laugh in your face!
Ok, I am a big mushy sissy but WHATe’vah! I am tough…I think…
(Now, focusing on the question that was asked. )
I found that to be a very intensely interesting question. My response was predictable, even to me. However, it is not the response that is the focus of this blog. It is the conversation that needs to be had. The untangling of myself from myself.
-Good Gravy! I love what I do!!!-
Some fear death or loneliness. Some fear continued abuse and others fear being cheated on. Some fears are more cryptic and others are common, like a dog bite or drowning. Most people have many fears.
I have learned that I have nothing to lose. I have everything to gain. I accept my human experience for what it is. I accept that I do not know any “thing” or at least allow my “sh-ego” something and I ll accept that I know some “thing’s”. I have, since my divorce, accepted that I am a miraculously complex string of crazy DNA and a juicy liquid sack of squeezable love and tenderness. I am a delicious, delightful smile at most, and at the very least I have jokes! I am not a master or a guru. I am a human going through stuff. The stuff I like to call “Lessons”. However, I can tell you very honestly before my healing journey, I would call “Lessons” a whole pile of shit.
Yes, lets talk about the process of learning what it is you truly fear and how its really just pure CRAP. What’s really going to happen? You may or may not drown, get robbed, never have sex again, breath, get murdered or maybe that damn HUGE ass spider MAY creepily crawl under your sheets and crawl UP your legs and possibly bite you.
Ok, now what?
So, lets think hard about this. Are you going to spend the rest of your life avoiding things, fixating or worrying about a very slight percent chance that anything that you actually fear will come true? Really? What a terrifically HORRID way to spend the rest of your life. I am not meaning to judge but lets really think about who is in control of your life? You or the spider? I know for most of us our fears can be crippling and very, very real. I get it! I am afraid of heights. I have worked on it and am getting MUCH better about it and will continue to face that fear as much as I can. BUT, I will NOT spend the rest of my life avoiding stairs or God Forbid Hiking (a passion of mine). I will love and embrace my inner struggle with what I don’t know.
……that I don’t know if I will actually FALL.
Maybe, just maybe the fear of heights is comforting to me. MAYBE, I know this sounds super crazy…. But maybe, just maybe the feeling that I am able to control my not knowing is to avoid anything that requires me to face the very fact that I DO NOT KNOW if I will actually fall.
Uh, so really I am afraid of what I don’t know and fill my head with all of the possibilities of What MIGHT happen versus what’s real and IF I were to actually (getting excited) try something that I am afraid of…….(hearts racing now) well maybe I would lose the control of all the things I think were going to happen (breath) and maybe just maybe I would feel silly and THAT would really be awful to have made such a fuss over what I think would happen and really didn’t.
When I looked up at the person I told him my biggest fear is watching the world “self destruct” and my inability to prevent it. THAT is my biggest, meanest and most bad ass’ed boogie man. My desire to help, fix, nurture and love unconditionally and yet I can not save the world from its own self destruction.
Now you know my fear but here was his response. “Rustie, you cant save the world and you know that. However, you can make small changes and fixes here and there. You started with yourself and now its spreading.”
Yes, my delicious, juicy sack of Human-ness is spreading the tender love that keeps me moving.
AND Ok, I am more than a DNA strand. I am me and terrifically afraid of high places and small spaces. BUT I am so thrilled to know that I am doing exactly what it is that I am supposed to be doing. This life is all about learning, accepting and dealing. I am not saying crawl into a barrel of hungry spiders, I am just hinting at the possibility that MAYBE just Maybe your more afraid of yourself then anything else.
Food for thought….