I woke up this morning in Panic. A feeling that I have been quite accustomed, too for most of my life. I realized after waking up a bit more, that it was all going to be just fine. The coolness of the fog coming from the bay engulfed my senses. The pups snuggle up close as it is a bit chilly this morning. I lay in my bed, safe. I lay wrapped up in my blanket, indulging in the freedom of being safe. The owls are hooting and the tree frogs are croaking. There is a calm in the house. The palms are slowly waving outside my bedroom window. The rain is light and taps rhythmically on the roof. Bella starts to run in her sleep, whimpering. Chloe rolls over. I can hear her bed wiggle as she turns.
I have to work today but there is no stress. I am not worried about much these days. I am healing from a traumatic time in my past and I have come to a wonderful place in my present. For most of my life, I have been a warrior child. I have had to build up walls and to fight abusers. I have had to circle around my insecurities and fears. I have pushed emotions, feelings, love, tenderness, and anger all down. Deep down. I have been forced to live in Fight or Flight mode since I was born. My marriage was no different. I was always walking on eggshells, and I was never enough. Even after divorce he still battles me and refuses to co-parent. He uses the courts to keep us on edge. He uses the courtroom to keep the insults flying and the accusations flowing. When he does respond to an email its latent with accusations, blame, threats, and demands. There is no open dialogue. There has never been an inquiry as to how he can help or what he can do to raise Chloe. I guess it makes him feel good that he has spent 8 years, post-divorce in constant battle with me. A time frame in which he could have built a healthy bond with our daughter but instead, he had to fight me. He fights her. My child is not enough for him either. She is coming down from the Fight or Flight mode as well.
I lay in bed grateful that for the first time in years, I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel wanted. I feel love. I haven’t experienced these feelings since my Junior year of college. These feelings were repressed as I had to stand guard and protect myself from being hurt even more. I can say that it feels good to feel anger. WOW.
It simply feels good to FEEL again.
I dig deeper into my warm bed and snuggle harder with my blankets. I let out a giggle. I am so happy. Yes, of course, I have fear as this world is so new to me. This world of safety. Of love. Of being loved. Of opportunity. This new world does not require me to feel impulsive. A tactic those of us who have been abused use to prevent more abuse. I don’t feel hurried anymore. I am no longer fearing that I lack something for someone. I take my time. I don’t have controlling people in my life anymore. I don’t have those who tout spiritual laws and yet only offer conditions to the relationship. I let them all go and I do not invite new ones like that into my life. There are so many that have tried to enter. From an awful landlord to manipulative advisors. ALL have been refuted.
I roll over to scratch the back of the puppies necks. Yes, this is LIFE. This is Living. This is Freedom. This is happiness. All that has come to pass has been a great teacher. I have had some pretty bad experiences, but this has lead up to this morning. A morning in which I can simply roll over and feel. Yes. I have had to go really deep into my soul and get good with me. To learn who I actually am, not who they said I am or should be. It’s a powerful journey to be forced into yourself. To know the darkness in you and the light. Its an honor and a pleasure to have overcome all that I have. I do see the light. I do see that I have done the best I could given the circumstances. I no longer carry guilt. I now longer carry shame. I do see how strong I am and how I will no longer back down when wrongs have been done. Yes, the scales are in balance now. The karma bus is arriving for those who need a dose of reality. There is such beauty surrounding me.
I can finally rest as I am free.
Until next time…...