Everyday I watch a part of our lives crumble beneath our feet and notice that the precipice we are standing on is getting smaller. I am in chronic pain and I work demanding jobs. My physical strength has lessened and fat seems to wrap around me like bubble wrap. My desire and ability to run has been dampened by back problems and only recently have I had the funds to get back to the gym.
Everyday seems to be jam packed with the things that just interfere with the smoothness my life once had. A recent nail in my new tire cost 20$ to fix and since we live on a very tight budget, that 20$ means a lot to us. My ability to make money in this area is scarce. Jobs are plentiful at 8.33$ an hour and frankly, even substitute teaching is 60-75 a day. This does not afford us much and frankly I cant afford a babysitter or daycare on this salary so that limits my working hours to just school hours and hours she is with her birth father. We moved to what we were told was a “safe family” neighborhood on private property. What they neglected to tell us is that 3 apartments are filled with violent drunks who like to threaten and insult us. Aside from their rituals of beating each other up, we have called the police so many times to no avail that I have plum given up. We will just move, eventually.
The never ending obstinacy on my ex’s part makes it difficult to co parent and raise my daughter with both of us. His version of co parenting is that of an angry monkey flinging poo rather then a concerned father who wishes to assist and offer appropriate feedback. His emails are regularly unproductive and very powerful in his need to demean, slander, threaten and over all offer his hatred towards my being. This has made it clear that I have to parent alone and even though the courts feel this can change, the courts refuse to help him, thereby not a helping make this change.
The Poverty, healing, and desire to better ourselves has offered me a new focus. How to change our lives for the better and in that how do we offer our story to compel others to change their lives. I am reminded every day of the constant gap my income and my bills offer. I am also of the faith that eventually, I will catch up. I can not suffer from Martyrdom and certainly can not allow the pain to swallow us up. I left my marriage to end the abuse and yet, its still there. However, I can do what I need to to not allow it and even though at times he can pull the right trigger to set me off in defensive mode, I need to remind myself who is more important and engaging with him denies my importance. This is a hard habit to break. Imagine being in defensive mode for the majority of your life as you have lived in a combat zone and have been trained to react in no other way.
I am retraining myself.
As always, I look for the silver lining after I throw my self doubting, pissy pants, pity party. Frankly, I have come to terms with my humanness and that has greatly empowered my focus. I can now actually say how I feel, know that it is seemingly a momentary lapse of spiritual growth and then I can breath. Once the human experience passes, I can commence my cerebral quest for helping others succeed in their adversity.
The perception of Success is often what limits us as humans in becoming successful. Some feel that success is driving a BMW and wearing shoes made of Italian leather. Whereas, some find success in implementing strategy’s for social change. Those who live in Poverty, feel success when they can pay their rent in full and on time. The small steps towards success are the important ones to recognize and frankly, if you are shooting for the moon and land on a star, that’s the best. If you didn’t try you wouldn’t know what the small steps to success feels like. So how can you aim to hit the moon with any excitement? I can assure you; as I take my small steps towards bettering our lives, it feels good to land on the stars. My eyes are open, my mouth is watering and I am hungry for my success. Our lives depend on it.
For now, as I reconstruct myself, I have come to the realization that in this process, I need to learn about faith. Faith in myself. I need to trust that I am smart enough to consider shooting for the moon and aiming our lives just right. Sometimes, jumping with faith takes your leap a lot further then you would have otherwise imagined!
Until next time………………………………..