I woke up with Bella’s snout under my chin and Chloe’s hand on my forehead. The sun was peeking through our curtains brightly and I realized that it was time to make coffee. I didn’t get up quickly as I wanted to soak in the love and be grateful for what I have. Chloe is currently afraid of sleeping in her room. So, she has been sleeping in my bed for months. Frankly, I am in need to get a good night’s sleep but I can not change her fears. She snores and rolls over. The sun is so bright this morning and the fan keeps us cool. I am very clear that I cannot change my past and I am learning not to worry as much about tomorrow. I truly have no choice but to be in the moment as flopping all over the past and future has done nothing for me but cause me deep grief and saddness. I am accepting that NOW is all I really have and even with snores and doggie snots, I have the very best life.
Even if we become homeless or if the world really does come to an end, we have each other and no one can break that bond. Chloe and I have had to walk a very rough road over the last three years and frankly there are days where I feel like there is nothing I can do to make our lives better. We are under duress. I feel like my heart is broken in a thousand pieces and yet moments like this feel like a miracle. I could not be more grateful about being a mother. It’s a wonderful role to live.
After the 7th District Court denied our relocation, we were forced to live in poverty as we lost everything. We have struggled with living in Poverty, we have struggled with getting the help we need to get our lives together and mostly we have struggled with her father’s anger and inability to co parent. Throughout our time, I have had to take a moment and look back at what we have accomplished against all odds. I do own a home, even if LHF refuses to work with me.
I still had a home, that I owned, for a moment.
I have fallen and I am getting up. I have allowed the pain of a bad marriage, a broken childhood and the lack of support, and my fears to slowly disable me from feeling as I can be or do anything. I have been stripped from faith in the judicial system, faith in myself and I have found that the world can be a deeply unkind place. The largest disease in this world is Apathy. And boy, if you were to look at the headlines, you can see it everywhere. This world is deeply sad and very stressful to live in. I hope for better for my daughter but as it stands, reading the headlines every day, I don’t see a better world.
I have hope for one but cant see it.
Then there are the little miracles that we get that remind me to accept that nothing happens as quickly as I may want it to. A little sprinkle of “miracle” when we are just about to give up; goes a long way in the growth and healing of our lives. Chloe checked the mail the other day and the power company actually gave us a Refund check!
We have learned that we must take each day and hold it as its precious. One door opens and yet one shoe can drop anytime. We are in a very fragile state of living. One upset and we can teeter right back into being grossly impoverished. So, we take our moments as we can and in that I believe I have grown in a way that I never would have otherwise.
Chloe is amazing and is excelling in school and well, I am getting us slowly back on our feet. I do think that we still have a long road ahead of us, but I can say that no matter what we still have each other and that is a blessing for sure. So, at this point, we are crawling up out of the Trench of adversity and frankly, we are doing as much as we can and as fast as we can.
I have sent my book excerpt to several agencies and several media outlets in hopes to share our story faster and am wrapping up the final pieces of the book. I can believe that 2016 is flying so fast. In a blink! I know we fought through most of 2016 and yet I am kind of glad it’s almost gone.
Our future is looking brighter now. We are hopeful for a Much Needed Miracle but in the meantime, I am going to get up and make some coffee and enjoy this beautiful day with my talented daughter. We will make memories today. We will laugh and embrace the time we have.
Until Next time……………………………..
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Englewood, FL 34223