It’s a stunning and humid Sunday here in Florida. I certainly can state that for the first time in 20 years, I am grateful winter is coming. It will be nice to have the 75-degree weather that I so love. It will be nice to walk on the beach again and to have the car windows rolled down. We are actually being rather lazy at the moment. Most of our chores are done and we are ready for school/work tomorrow. It’s our time to just relax. Chill. To Be in the moment. It’s a nice feeling to have a sense of security. To once again feel safe. It’s nice to know that the police here do not tolerate Domestic Violence or Child Abuse. It’s nice to live in a state that is up to date with what that actually means and a state in which lawmakers take these matters seriously. As I type away, I hear the strangest of noses coming out of my kitchen. I look up at our skylight and boom! There it is! This huge ass lizard hanging out on our roof. I know that isn’t a romantic dream nor is it a wish most folks have. However, the point is that we are so focused in the moment that we are blessed to see the belly of a huge lizard. I am sure there are plenty of bugs up there for him/her. I am sure the sun is refreshing for this 3 ft long cold-blooded creature. The lizard is also in peace. Relaxing on this amazing Sunday. I enjoy my writing time as I get to reflect and in that, I believe it helps me heal. I also believe that by sharing my experience, I help others. Even if that help is only allowing them to become aware.
Folks are often amazed at why I remain positive. Why I remain happy. I have been handed a lot of shit. I get hit often with life’s obstacles and yet I remain working on staying as happy as I can be. I have to tell you its not always easy but it’s the easiest way to be. I have to choose happiness. I have to CHOOSE positivity. Just like I have to choose to go to the gym or to eat an entire chocolate cake. Each moment I choose how I get to react to that moment and somedays I have to fake though it. It’s so much easier to be in joy then swallow that jagged pill of anger. I choose to help folks in all possible ways. I feel it’s my duty as a human on this planet to help others. I choose to live as much in the moment as I can to stay grounded. I am not 100% perfect at this but I would say more like 75% and growing.
It’s been a trying three years since the State of New Hampshire denied relocation the first time. I lost my job, home and every physical thing that we owned. We have been living at 120% below the poverty level since. We literally lost everything including the life of my unborn child. I was clinically diagnosed with “severe stress” which was the cause of the miscarriage. To this day, I still have a hard time not blaming the courts for my child’s death. The amount of stress and pressure I was put under was unfathomable. The chemo I had to undergo screwed with my metabolism and I have yet to lose the 40 lbs I gained during the process. All the while, battling early stages of cervical cancer and attempting to find work that would fit into a single moms schedule. It’s clear that healing is a must and at this time, that’s all Chloe and are doing. Our journey made painful by the very man whom I was to trust, only made us stronger. We are now fighters. Warrior Goddess’s.
A year ago, Chloe and I were fighting to keep our home, fighting to get stable and dealing with my ex and his issues. A year ago, we struggled with healing, feeling safe and secure. A year ago, we were so afraid that we were going to lose everything that sleeping was difficult and allowing people in our lives was even more difficult. We didn’t want anyone to know where we lived to protect us. We lost the battle to keep our house. Banks simply don’t care. We eventually lost custody of Chloe for 9 weeks due to the judges “feelings” and my lack of evidence. I did end up in jail for a few days as my ex-provided the State of New Hampshire the wrong address to serve me, with the intention to have me arrested. I never knew about the hearing and therefore was jailed for missing a hearing I knew nothing about. That’s the way it is in NH. NH is a state that I strongly believe is unsafe for women and children.
I am fortunate enough, now, to live in a community that cares for its people. A community that serves food to those who cant physically get to food after a terrible hurricane. A community that has gathered food together to feed those without power and the linemen who are working hard to restore power. I am so proud to live in a community that cares for each other. I haven’t had that in several years. If I lived in NH I am sure that I would have lost my job & housing because of all the lost work due to these egregious court hearings. Here, no worries. We are behind on our bills due to all the missed work because of the outlandish behavior of my ex and his lawyer but we are also assured that it can be worked out. So, safety is here. Stability is here. Resources for help, also available.
We have come along way, baby!
I am grateful that in this last year, even through my daughters unfortunate and heartbreaking 9 weeks with her father, we are back together and safer than ever. Folks are now seeing what we have been going through for the last 7 years. Folks are now witnessed to what the courts have done and have not done to protect this child. Folks are now aware of what money buys you in court and what revenge filled -with money- parents are fully capable of. The courts even recently refused to hear what happened to Chloe over that period. They know what they did was wrong and yet, still, refuse to protect a child. I wonder how many other children suffer the same? So, as my team and I edit my upcoming book, I have to wait to see what that “side of the room” will do next as it only adds chapters to what Family Court really is. What family court actually does. So far, this court has only offered hardship for us. Financial. Emotional. Mental. Hardship.
And now the world is finally aware of it.
While I write my memories and court testimony to add to my upcoming book, I continue to work towards stability. I smile. I wish you could see me. I am at peace and feel that I was chosen this hand as I will not be silent about abuse, anymore. I just can’t be. I want a better life for my daughter. And a better life for your daughters and sisters. I am not backing down and even though I only have about 5 more years with the possibility of him stringing this out in court, I will have a lifetime of work ahead of me. Sharing my story to all of you. Speaking out loud and in public in hopes to better the future of our children.
One book? No, I believe this is only the start to many books about child abuse, domestic violence and the apathy of the Family Courts. My story, our story, our struggles, and pain are very much needed to be heard So far, we have 33 thousand folks listening. Each time you share, our voice gets stronger and eventually, the lawmakers will HAVE TO change. They will HAVE to listen. I don’t want to be a whisper in the wind. I want to be a bullhorn in the middle of your sleep. I want to change the system and the only way to see that happen is to be loud.
A big THANK YOU to those who support us.
Love, encouragement, and sharing is so important right now.
I fight for all of our daughters, sisters, mothers, and wives.
Until next time…………………