*All comments, opinions and views are soley mine and mine alone. This is a Blog based on personal views, experiences and is not a representation to defame, judge or to hurt anyone. I am expressing my feelings, only.*
As I lay here in the tent at 5AM, I realize how defeated I feel. I invested every ounce of my cash flow, self, dreams, energy and time into fighting for this relocation. It’s the right thing for us. I have proven it 2s in court. Only to be denied because my ex still wants to argue rather then cooperate. I wonder how much of this could have been different if I… well no need to wonder about the “what if’s” as we know, they don’t count at all. So, my mind continues to wonder and I continue to try and make sense out of this mess. A friend told me recently that good guys finish last.
If this is true, are we at the end yet?
This week was meant to be a time to teach Chloe the beauty of nature and the survival skills that all people should have. How to make a fire, gathering wood, cooking on a camp stove or fire pit. We are on a lake and its been a terrific view. I am working part time at a restaurant and haven’t taken time off but we are 80% here. I don’t actually want to leave. The earth smells fresh and the soothing sound of the water crashing against the shore is healing. The water here is brackish so there is a slight hint of salt. The mussels/clams spit up like an orchestra during low tide and the birds chat away for most of the day. Sun rise to sun set. Chitter and chatter of the various birds. Amen. So grateful.
My mind goes back to our realty.
I am now being forced (court order) to live where my ex deems is appropriate. Meaning, I am forced to live 25 min from our home that is for sale but if he decided he doesn’t like where we live he can take me to court. Of which he has already threatened me with. Yes, this is America folks however, in this county, its seems as though women and Children do not have rights. So, now it’s the stress of trying to co parent with a person who is obstinate and threatening or risking the fact that I will be placed under contempt for enrolling my daughter in a school without my exs permission. I try and have tried with my ex but he just threatens me and asks me deflective & passive aggressive questions, leading the conversation to no-where. This process, in his eyes is in the best interest of my daughter when its really just serving to fuel his anger issues and feed his need to control.
For the first time in years, he has called frequently. Of course, he states “This is ……at 11AM on July….I am looking to speak with …” This is his way of “asserting” his control and documenting that we are not responding timely enough. Once Chloe speaks to him, he then berates her with a series of questions and she ends the call crying. “He asks too many questions mom” and her sadness has increased. All in the best interest of my daughter, uh? I wasn’t born yesterday and I know him super well. Its sad situation in deed and I am so tired of her breaking down and crying after every single call. I have no help here. No one can help us through this. How my hands are tied.
Trying to focus on the positives…..
I can hear the waves of the water crashing on the shore and the very loud goose chasing a herring for his fish. The wings of some moth or fly or June bug hitting the tent as I watch the ticks trying to find away in to suck on our warm blood. The air is wet, crisp and a slight morning chill makes me tuck in a little deeper into the blanket. Our future is bright. We will prevail. We will make it though this time and for whatever reason we need to go through this pain. This struggle. This feeling of frustration and clearly my hands are tied.
Back to “the thinking”…..
So, I lay here. My feelings are that we are broke, tired, worn and helpless. We are not “allowed” friends or family without a fight. My family has been ostracized and demeaned and now prevented to see my daughter unless they come here. I would have to file motions to leave the state without his “permission” and by asking him it causes an argument because he feels he needs to have extra time with Chloe if we do leave the state. Non of this is really in her best interest. Its a power struggle. He even stated under oath that Chloe needs no one in her life other than him and his eldest daughter. So, now we are not allowed supportive resources without consequence of having to “barter” my daughter? I cant even attend my brothers wedding with out having to “barter” for time. Sad.
So, Chloe and I walk this path with limited resources and all because of what? Its been a very hard road and we are sore. However, in time this too shall pass and we will be where we belong. Maybe we will be slightly dinged and mildly broken. But healing will eventually happen and at this time, we need to focus on making the most out of the situation. After all, its only a matter of time before I wont have to go through the courts and wont have to deal with “demands” or threats.We will eventually live in our home in Florida….but just not today.
What I wonder, as we are making the most of our camping trip, is a long series of questions to help me heal from this. This is a terrific exercise in growing spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
- How did I get myself caught up in such a terrible situation?
- What was my motivation for staying in a troubled relationship for so long?
- What did/does this situation serve me?
- I need to change my thinking, but how?
- What have I learned from this?
- What will I do differently?
I am aware that this is a path I clearly started to walk and I own my part in the dysfunction of that past relationship. I am aware of my faults, kinks and human traits. I am aware that in time this will ease and things will change. As change is the one guarantee we have and is a constant. However, right now I am experiencing my emotions, as I need too, in order to heal and deal with the Grief cycle.
until next time……..