I woke up this morning in tears. I was in a very deep, very real dream enjoying dinner with someone who was very near and dear to me. I slowly, over the years opened my heart and tried to be everything this person suggested that I needed to be. I worked hard at trying to keep their love, the hoops to jump through never ended and the snide remarks of how I could do better also never ended. But I was deeply committed to keeping this relationship and making it work. I kept secrets from this person as I knew they didn’t ever want to know the truth about my life, they just wanted to know all the “good things” so, the secrets of my bad marriage, the issues with my ex became obsolete when I was in the presence of this person. Surely, I didn’t want to disappoint this person. I always felt as though I had to prove that I was going to be a success even during the times m soul was rotting from misery at my situation. This person eventually crushed Chloe and my heart with their ego and this person walked away, leaving us hurt, defenseless and confused. This person was not a lover, or life partner. Please don’t think that this major heart break was romantic.
In my dream, we all gathered to enjoy dinner at The Rainforest Café because I love their GF Rasta Pasta oh so much. We sat together, like old times and Chloe felt secure being with this person again. Strangely, the back ground of our dining experience was a wet parking lot and it was late at night. We laughed awkwardly, enjoyed our time and then I woke up to the stings of the feeling of loss and hurt. My chest was so tight and my breath was hard to complete. I was once again having another anxiety attack. (These have become more frequent since we decided to stand our Ground with my Ex.) I realized that I know me all too well and I know that I will never allow this person to enter our lives again and that even though it’s been some time, the root of pain is still aching in my soul.
Its shaking my mind as to what constitutes motherhood, what constitutes trust and frankly, does unconditional love truly exist?
I closed off to everyone at that time and am still fairly closed off. I don’t want to be lead to believe that I can be truly loved and that my daughter can be truly loved only to have someone walk away again. We are seriously going through enough and then to even think that I would add another element of potential pain. Between fighting to keep my home and fighting my ex who wants to falsely charge me with criminal kidnapping, only because he can afford a lawyer and I cannot.
I really don’t have a lot of emotional room to allow anyone in. We have lost so much trying to keep our heads above water, trying to keep safe and trying to rebuild our lives. I don’t think I have much life left to lose. It’s been a non-stop nightmare and I have had to stand alone. Fight alone. I have recently been helped and so grateful but for the larger battle, it’s just me.
But maybe that’s the exact reason to have the bowels of my soul rumble as though I have a deep spiritual flu.
I HAVE TO OPEN to receive and I HAVE TO BE THE UNCONDITIONAL that I so desperately seek.
Cosmic 2×4 today!
Right in the GUT.
How the hell am I going to untie all of those knots, unbolt all of those chains and strip off all of the thorns to myself and allow someone else to come in and possibly tear me apart again? I mean, I just finished putting on the last lock to my heart. I welded that sucker good. There is now way anyone is going to hurt us again. I am tired and maybe it’s time for me to rest. Give up? Maybe that too. Maybe, I will just let them take what I have left and I will not fight anymore. Maybe, I can work towards tearing these chains off and finally dealing with the deep hurt that thrives inside me.
Maybe then, only maybe will I be free of this situation.
I was told to rewrite my story backwards and to change how I react, think and perceive the world. I am still confused as to how to accomplish that task. See, I see this world with AW and wonder. It’s so beautiful and amazing. There are specs of assholes, abusers, rapists, thieves, killers and war mongers. But if you were to sit in the sky and look down and breath in all the beauty, you could really see that this world is AMAZING. I take everyone I meet as a breath of amusement, delight and simply amazing.
Sometimes, those people who I take in try to convince me that this world is filled with #rapists, #war mongers and #abusers. Through my current fight, I have realized that others really believe that these actions are more common and are more than just a spec in this beautiful world. For me, the very idea that I cannot get legal help because I cannot afford a lawyer is baffling. The implications are that poor people are not free, do not have rights and are not to be taken seriously. In my case the Judge in #newhampshire stated that as a FACT. #nojusticeforthepoor.
But I still climb high and look down in wonder and aw. I still know that even though I have been greeted in this life with some of those nasty specs and that even though I am considered a “nothing” due to my poverty, I still know that this world is beautiful. Even if I see it alone and in secret. The questions is how do I begin to share my self with others and truly allow and be unconditional? I mean, I have to let my guard down and trust again, fully to be true to the lack of conditions I so seek.
Ill work on it and breath in bravery as I am surely going to need it. But for now, I will wonder at this world magnificent beauty and aww. The birds, bugs, animals, shapes, smells and colors fill my soul with a song of Joy. I love the textures and the life that flows in the air, all around. I think today, my focus will be in life and aww and I will leave the pain and the fears on the ground.
It’s time to find a rainbow…..
maybe in that I will have freed myself…….
Until next time…………………..