Digging in my Dirt, Part 1

abused child      When I was born, I was born into poverty, confusion and a teenaged mother. When I was 3, I understood rape, as I was raped by her boyfriend. When I was 4, I understood abuse, as he abused us both repeatedly. When I was 8, I understood that I was no longer wanted as that was what I was told by the verbal, emotional, physical abuse and by the neglect. When I was 13, I was told how awful I was and shipped back to Florida to straighten myself out, which only offered me the space to live on the streets and start a journey no child should experience. At 14, I was diagnosed with a Level 4 pap and informed I had to have part of my cervix removed. Of Course, I went through this procedure with my friend at the time, as I had no one else to support me. The Justice System failed me the first time at the age of 14. I was 15 and ended up in Foster Care. In my teens, I got my ass beat and beat some ass. I was angry for sure and no one was going to stand in my way. The only way I understood to survive was through violence. Through anger and confrontation. Name calling and threats.

                                             This is the way it is in the cycle.

                                                                   You are what you see……

                                                                                       YOU become What you experience….abuse cycle

When I was 18, I was informed how I was to be aborted and when I was 19, I was the first High School Graduate in my bloodline. When I was 20, I began a relationship that was toxic and abusive and would carry on, daily, for 16 years of my life. I was 23, when I graduated College with my BA in Psychology. I was 27, when I had my first known miscarriage and I spent my life, up to now, chronically ill. When I was 29, I was pregnant with my favorite person in the entire world and at 34, I finally left my toxic marriage. At 36, The Justice System Failed me again when I attempted to move to where my support system is and was denied based on my Ex’s inability to cooperate. Now, at 39, I am so very humbled by all that I have accomplished.

In my past, I attracted individuals in my life who only wanted to correct me and my mistakes. I was too flawed for them and needed to be changed. I attracted individuals who had nothing but conditionally based love for me. Each person I brought into my life wanted to change me. To tame me. To fix me. I wanted to just be me and loved as I am. I was not honored for me I was told to change so that I could be honored under their design. Not my God made Design.absuivewords

In my growth, I attended 23 schools all over the east coast. I attended 7th grade in Vermont and my English teacher begged me never to write again. I attended 2 weeks of 8th grade in Florida, only to be moved to the High school as I was “too mature” to stay in 8th grade. In College, I was told by one of  my writing professor to just give up as I am never going to be a writer. I was told many times, by those I loved, that I am fat, ugly, left footed, had a tin ear, mouthy, not good enough and not enough. I was told that I am a bull in a china shop and way too intense. I was told throughout my important relationships how badly I was unable to make the key people in my life happy and what a HUGE disappointment I am.

So, I had to soul search and find ME. I had to dust off some old boxes and move some old bags. I had to find out who I am, really am. I searched through my journal’s and my photo albums for the real me. I searched through my art work and felt the sting of the tears dripping down my face.Soul Search

Am I really the broken mess who is as stupid as they say?

Am I really that unattractive and un loveable?

Am I so broken that I cannot be fixed?

So, I believed that I needed to be fixed and went out to find someone to help fix me. ……….. END PART 1

 

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