When I was born, I was born into poverty, confusion and a teenaged mother. When I was 3, I understood rape, as I was raped by her boyfriend. When I was 4, I understood abuse, as he abused us both repeatedly. When I was 8, I understood that I was no longer wanted as that was what I was told by the verbal, emotional, physical abuse and by the neglect. When I was 13, I was told how awful I was and shipped back to Florida to straighten myself out, which only offered me the space to live on the streets and start a journey no child should experience. At 14, I was diagnosed with a Level 4 pap and informed I had to have part of my cervix removed. Of Course, I went through this procedure with my friend at the time, as I had no one else to support me. The Justice System failed me the first time at the age of 14. I was 15 and ended up in Foster Care. In my teens, I got my ass beat and beat some ass. I was angry for sure and no one was going to stand in my way. The only way I understood to survive was through violence. Through anger and confrontation. Name calling and threats.
This is the way it is in the cycle.
You are what you see……
When I was 18, I was informed how I was to be aborted and when I was 19, I was the first High School Graduate in my bloodline. When I was 20, I began a relationship that was toxic and abusive and would carry on, daily, for 16 years of my life. I was 23, when I graduated College with my BA in Psychology. I was 27, when I had my first known miscarriage and I spent my life, up to now, chronically ill. When I was 29, I was pregnant with my favorite person in the entire world and at 34, I finally left my toxic marriage. At 36, The Justice System Failed me again when I attempted to move to where my support system is and was denied based on my Ex’s inability to cooperate. Now, at 39, I am so very humbled by all that I have accomplished.
In my past, I attracted individuals in my life who only wanted to correct me and my mistakes. I was too flawed for them and needed to be changed. I attracted individuals who had nothing but conditionally based love for me. Each person I brought into my life wanted to change me. To tame me. To fix me. I wanted to just be me and loved as I am. I was not honored for me I was told to change so that I could be honored under their design. Not my God made Design.
In my growth, I attended 23 schools all over the east coast. I attended 7th grade in Vermont and my English teacher begged me never to write again. I attended 2 weeks of 8th grade in Florida, only to be moved to the High school as I was “too mature” to stay in 8th grade. In College, I was told by one of my writing professor to just give up as I am never going to be a writer. I was told many times, by those I loved, that I am fat, ugly, left footed, had a tin ear, mouthy, not good enough and not enough. I was told that I am a bull in a china shop and way too intense. I was told throughout my important relationships how badly I was unable to make the key people in my life happy and what a HUGE disappointment I am.
So, I had to soul search and find ME. I had to dust off some old boxes and move some old bags. I had to find out who I am, really am. I searched through my journal’s and my photo albums for the real me. I searched through my art work and felt the sting of the tears dripping down my face.
Am I really the broken mess who is as stupid as they say?
Am I really that unattractive and un loveable?
Am I so broken that I cannot be fixed?
So, I believed that I needed to be fixed and went out to find someone to help fix me. ……….. END PART 1