Digging in My Dirt, Part 2

Rustie age 3  Over a couple of years, I sought out professionals in varying forms of Self Help, Healing, Coaching, Therapy, alternative therapies and even attempted to use anti-depressants. I hated the Anti Depressants. They made me so sad which is totally weird and cut against my normal nature. Even after all of this, I was still informed by the same sources how broken I was. If I could only change this part of me, or that part. If I could only do this better or that better. If I wasn’t so lazy or willing to try.

                                                                               If I could only ……

So, after all these attempts to be fixed by someone,  I started to realize that no one can fix me and I reached out asking for advice. At this time, I wasn’t wallowing in sorrow, I was in fear that I really was unfixable. I was offered advice from my coach, that is the truth of all truths, and that is No one can fix me. There is not a universal glue that will put these fragments back together for me. And MAYBE I am not actually broken? No one can change me or make me do anything. Frankly, no one can even make me feel anyway I don’t allow. WHAT?

                                                                                     I HAVE TO FIX ME? !!!!! How?

Yes. After all is said and done. Its up to me to fix me. Maybe, just Maybe I don’t need “fixing”. Maybe I just need to love and accept who I am. I am a beautiful, not so-perfect human.  I realized that this journey was just building up the tools I needed to become successful at accepting and loving me as I am. So, I went to the one thing that I love to do and that is to write. Through tears, fear and anxiety I wrote. I wrote feverishly and at times I would put it all away as my fear thinking would interrupt. broken reflection

I suck at writing.

No one will read it.

No one wants to see it.

I am just broken.

                                                                                                 FIX YOURSELF, Damn it!

I fought myself, my fears and my self doubts. Over time, I did begin to accept that I am who I am. No more and no less.  Once again, I pulled out my writings and also started to paint. Painting, writing and reading. I began to realize that I needed to make changes in my life. At first I wasn’t sure how to change me. But in a short period I realized what the most important change was. The largest change that I needed to make  was WHO I was surrounding myself with. I was surrounded by people who lived for Drama, worry and rolled around in fear.  I started to see what the struggle was and how easy it was to change my life for the better. I knew myself and liked myself just enough to begin to realize that; those who were negative and flaw seekers; where no longer needed in my life. The very day I gained the courage enough to remove the negatives in my life was the very day I began to be successful. I shed the baggage that was holding me down.

Seed popping outThe journey of life  and the “Cycle“….

                                                  YOUR cycle does not EVER have to define you.

YOU are you and uniquely so. Beautifully flawed only by people whose views are not very important. You are important and needed. So, if you ever find yourself struggling with your life, know that you have tools to help you succeed and that in surrounding yourself with positive’s; you will become the very person you are designed to be.

But if you stay in a negative space, with negative people, you will find negative in your life.

So, clean off your knees, get up and get out there. starting over


Until Next Time……………………..



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