There are certain things that I can not articulate after years of abuse. There are certain things that we survivors hold close to our hearts. Including our want to have you in our hearts. We lock our needs up. We shut down. We protect what little of ourselves we have. There is nothing more terrifying than having someone who you offered complete trust, rip you apart as though you are nothing. The heart can only break so many times before it stops beating.
As a survivor, we don’t want to use our feelings as for years, our feelings were dismissed by our abuser. Our feelings had to be boxed. We had to box them away like seasonal objects. For years, our boxes piled up high and each time I packed another box, I opened a moment of contempt and closed my contempt into another box and piled it along the side of my emotion boxes. Eventually, the room that held my boxes became what I call an “Emotional Quagmire”. This obligatory place of reaction, fear, hopes, dreams, and death. Over time, this E. Q. was my safety. At least I knew what to expect there. A Place that I knew would hurt. The E.Q. is a place in which all the sadness, monsters, fears, hurt, bruises, memories, love, anger, hate, hope, and faith hang out together. Each fights for you. They want to be apart of your today. Fear and hurt rally together and hope that sadness will take over your “today”. Then hope and love beg faith to be a louder cheerleader in your thinking. The question is who will win? Eventually, one will and the result will always be who you allow winning. Even in this emotional battle of healing, you are more powerful than your past thinking. At times, we just dont know that. We lose ourselves in this battle and forget who we are over time.
See, people are unpredictable. Even the ones you love will be the first to rip every piece of soul out of your body with enough intention. Parents will call you horrible names, tell you are you will fail and they may even abandon you. While husbands remind you why you were abandoned as you are simply a failure. Then they agree that you should have been abandoned and maybe they will leave you too. There are daily insults, and sometimes shoving. But there is always an insult. Shaming. Blaming. Guilty demonstrations of the abuser’s inability to accept their own insecurities. The boxes stack up higher and higher. Eventually, you will stop labeling them. Just fill and stack.
The battle in the E.Q. rages on for as long as we allow. Even in the fight to get away from our abusers, they use deceit, lies, and money to keep you tethered to their need to hurt you. Yes, a cycle that is played over an over again. The saddest of all is that our society is far too educated to continue to allow this but we do. Lawmakers ignore pleas to change laws, lawyers indulge in continuing the battle as its finical security for them. No moral scruples for some of these folks. It’s a game that doesn’t hurt them. The lack of compassion and morality to assist with ending Domestic violence does not exist in some. Then there are those who live in a world that is antiquated. They only perceive domestic violence as that of which is seen. Bruises. Blood. Death. The very fact of manipulation, mind games, verbal, emotional, and finical abuse means nothing. I wonder what these folks think of Manson? Hitler? They must be innocent in their eyes.
Trust? No. Not me.
I am a sensitive, quirky soul who gives every ounce of her being to people. The gift I get back has been lies, cheating, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and watching my daughter being abused. Motherhood is complicated and frankly, a mother would never allow or do any harm to her child. We are to protect our children and as scary as it is, there are places in this world that prevent us from protecting our children. Even in 2017, there are places in this world that our children are no more than a car. Simply property to be divided 50%. As mothers, we stay in shitty relationships because we know that leaving our children alone, maybe the most dangerous. Sometimes, we have to lie to the abuser to keep them at bay. Sometimes, we leave. I know in my case when we left, we tried to find help but in #Newhampshire, they only believe what they can see. #Newhampshire has a theory that children are to be split 50% as they are merely property. The judges refuse to speak to the children as they deem one parent “unduly” influences the child’s independence. In New Hampshire, children are mindless creatures without souls, so it seems. Frustrating to think this is how we are forced to live when in truth, we all know better. Of course, I am sure other states have similar thinking but I can only speak from my experience.
Yes, even in our highly educated society, children are still deemed “dumb”. Treated as though they are mindless. Even in our educated society, we have men who are State Representatives’s that make misogynistic statements like “that a man’s inclination is to grope women who are breastfeeding in public” or statements like “rape isn’t an absolute bad because the rapist I think probably likes it a lot. I think he’d say it’s quite good really.” Or even famous son’s that state that sexual harassment should be expected otherwise women should teach kindergarten. Eventually, this will explode and we will be a civil, and peaceful society. At least, while I sit in my E.Q. Hope offers this thought to me.
Abuse is a very real issue that folks face daily. The majority of abused are children, then women and yes, there are men who are abused but not on average. As we witness ourselves in this world, become compassionate to those who maybe going through a storm. Or maybe, they are cleaning out their Emotional Quagmire. Healing from past storms. Abuse isn’t a good thing, a thing to be cherished. It’s a condition that can be fixed. However, we need to strongly educate what Abuse is so that it can stop. We are far too smart to continue to ignore abusers. We are far too aware what the end results are if we do not work harder to stop Abusers. Abusers spread their condition by abusing. New abusers emerge. Its a fact and it needs to stop. We can do this.
The first step is to clean out your own Emotional Quagmire. Learn to speak what you have held so tightly in your E.Q. boxes. Forgive. Allow the resentments to be heard and let them free. Allow yourself to heal. This is the first step that we all can do to end Abuse. To end the cycle from continuing. The next is to speak up and advocate for the children who can not or are not allowed to speak up for themselves. Bang on the lawmaker’s doors and let them know you are serious and want to be heard. Help by volunteering at Domestic Violence shelters, orphanages, foster care programs and advocate to end abuse.
Our children have hope and that hope is YOU.
Until next time……………….