So, I am really…really….old..
I mean cute…….
Funny as hell and a terrific cook with incredible long legs! Yes, all of these things and more! I am brilliantly gifted at pulling when the door says “push” and taking a left when I should take a right. I am 40 lbs over my preferred weight and I enjoy hitting the snooze button on my phone. I am rarely ever late but often overwhelmed. I say YES when I should say no and I am easily the “helper” when I am the one who actually needs help! I inquire often and want to question everything. I believe in Justice and find the very idea that justice fails so many people-including my family- incomprehensible.
I cry at flash mobs and sniffle at Disney Movies. I love the challenges of others and I love to watch them grow into the spectacular being that they are. The real person that I see. I am a LARGE hearted person with a deep quandary for life and all that ‘that’ entails. I see beauty where others see filth. I see love in everyone and am usually the one who gets her heart broken. I know rape, I know abuse, I know failure, I know hate and I know LOVE. I know a love that is insurmountable and unexplainable. It’s the love I have…
For this life.
I have sacrificed everything that I own and had to recreate my life to be undeniably mine. Of my own creation from the heart of who I am and know will succeed. BUT I had to fall not once, but several times to get to the very place that fuels my inner desire to burst into a bright, colorful firework display in the sky. I had to hurt. I had to cry. I had to be seen as unworthy, under-educated, ugly and a failure. I have to and had to overcome my fear based thinking.
But, the question I ask myself on occasion is
Well, yes I humbly say under my insecure breath while questioning myself as to why I am questioning myself. Gesh. I am happy. I am free and the reduction in stress has been noted. I have a terrific kid and well….drama with the Ex but that’s nothing to put energy into. I am in debt up to my chin but that’s like everyone else (except I wasn’t in that place last year. Court denied our relocation and I lost my job)Anyways…. I don’t like feeding bad folks with more food. You know?
However, I started thinking about how much weight I have gained since I quite smoking. I was running often and yet added 40lbs to my once HOT body. Now, I have breasts and thick thighs and a belly. Of which I have not had in many years. However I am starting to feel good about my body in its new form. I am getting used to the idea of the more voluptuous look.
So, am I happy?
As far as adult companionship, I have made a few attempts at dating only to fall flat on my face with either soon to be serial killers or for the most part narcissists. I have made a couple of really cool friends but…well…”no match” as Yenta would say. So, I am pulling the plug on that effort for some time….
So, am I happy?
Yes, I suppose so. I am doing things that make me happy, I am understanding, embracing and accepting that what’s in my control is in my control and what isn’t…isn’t. I am learning to really know myself and Love myself. I am so thrilled with how wonderful my daughter is turning out. I am toughing up too. I am taking less crap off of the bullies in my life and surrounding myself with good hearted souls who are genuine and real. I wont say that I don’t have bad days or that I have a happy landlord. BUT I will say that I am doing all the right things and working hard at starting our lives over in a the very BEST, possible and happy way.
So,Yes. I am really happy.