Growing into your bruises

d3f09bce-0d96-49ba-ab73-6c540cd33c97I am confident that healing happens and yet I wonder how many of us grow into our bruises. How many of us actually heal 100% or do we adapt to our pains?

I believe that most folks make efforts to overcome their personal obstacles and yet I know personally that in some of my bruises I just adapted too or Grew INTO them. I guess, I need to learn to grow OUT of them but at this time, I am not ready. See, I realized when I started to date again that I am still afraid. I am still scared and hurting. I sti there just looking for flaws. Clues as to what this person REALLY is. Or WHO they really are. My marriage was a sham. Once divorced I realized who my ex really is. I was blind. I am not going to remain blind. My bruise is there, glistening. BLUE and Purple. There is no sign of healing this bruise.

I star at the person at the other end of the table wondering why they are nervous. What are they trying to hide?

Are they a Pedophile?835dbf43db620a8f3f46b63d5fc9a344

A wife Beater?

A narcissist?

I anxiously wait to see the sign that I need to say “RED FLAG, I am out’a here”.  Its much easier to grow with this bruise as I know that I have a reminder that I was deeply hurt. I was badly bruised. I dont want to be hurt again, I dont want to be used again or hit again. I dont want my daughter to see anymore pain. So, I accept my bruise and allow it to remind me of what I dont want. I focus so deeply on finding a flaw in them that I dont enjoy the moment as it is. As it was meant to be. Every now and then I lightly touch my bruise. It reminds me of all the hurt and then I avoid it at all costs. Well, until I become fearful that I will forget the hurt and open up to allow someone else to hurt me. So I have to touch the bruise again just so I dont forget.

healingWhat a cycle?

Maybe one day, when all of this nonsense with my ex fades away, I will work on healing this bruise. Maybe, I will work on it a little at a time now so that maybe one day, it will yellow and then fade away. Then I can work on other bruises…. Maybe.


Until next time…………………

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