I Broke up with HURRY.


 

Steps to Success

I broke up with Hurry and now lay in bed with Gratitude

I wake up every morning and remind myself the value of each feeling, smell, thoughts, and how my body feels. I enjoy laying in bed reviewing the sounds I hear, smelling the bay air leaving and watching the fog lift. I believe that in order to have a successful day, one needs to appreciate how it starts. There is a lot to be said about gratitude and I practice with intensity every day. I believe that each day is a gift not to be taken for granted and it is my duty to acknowledge all that I am grateful for. I make my gratitude list every morning and I know that in that I have filled my world with a power that is not often offered. See, I make my list public as it not only thanks, those in my life for being here, but it also allows others to be inspired to do the same.

Appreciation is the largest flattery to give anyone.

I say my peace and let it go to become whatever it is destined to be. I move on through my day taking moments that allow me to breathe and see things I otherwise would not even notice if I didn’t make myself stop. I love dragonflies and butterflies. Every opportunity I get to observe one is a magical moment for me. I am very confident that when a dragonfly knows it’s being watched, it dances for you. I hear with intensity all the animal sounds, the sounds of the pipes, the tone of people’s voices, the simplicity of cars passing by.

I focus on taking short steps and deep breaths. There is never a need to hurry and there is no excuse for being late. Time is a gift but being smart about how to manage it is tricky. Distractions are all around us and we are easily torn between this thing and that one. Take deep breaths and focus on the path you are walking. Observe what you can and take in each moment with curiosity. This practice becomes easier as you stay on course. Each day is a new day and a new gift.

Appreciate it.

I know you are wondering what this all has to do with best business practices but think about it. Focusing on listening and finding appreciation around you are key factors in being successful. As a leader, one must accumulate all the tools needed to provide them with the most successful outcome. Yes, breathing in joy, taking risks, and failing are all apart of success. Determination and tenacity and the willingness to climb out of the trenches allow you the ability to create and renew your brand. If you can practice in your personal life the same skills that are required to be successful in your business life, you will find that you are whole, authentic and overall the work-life balance will be a natural part of your day.

We are humans and we are deeply flawed but in those flaws, we have this amazing ability to hope, to dream, to want, to desire, and to find a way to reach those goals. Yes, we will stumble and that’s ok. Its how you start your day that will determine whether you will have the energy or will to get back up and continue. If you can listen intently, be appreciative of what has already come to pass, and acknowledge what got you there, you are already successful.

 

 Rustie is a multi-Book Author & International Radio Talk Show Host, who speaks on Abuse, Poverty, Rape, & how she has found happiness. Come hear her harrowing story and let her inspire you.

Rustiemacdonald.com

 

 

 

Miracles

 

2017 went out with a BANG! I am still walking on cloud 9. I can’t wait to tell you what achievements we have had and how during the final hour, we finally had vindication in our very long custody battle. My Irma Grant FINALLY came through, I have added more speaking engagements to my 2018 agenda, and I worked at a new temp job to close out my 2017 budget. Yes, we are well on our way back up with the help of some amazing elves all over the country.

I missed 5 weeks of work due to court drama, jail time, and a hurricane named Irma. I worked my ass off to keep my nose above water and have huge gratitude for those who helped us stay up. Folks rallied all over the world to help us succeed. I could not be more humbled by the love and support. There is a lot to be said about being tenacious and determined. There are times when I just had to sit at the bottom of the shower crying my eyes out asking that eternal WHY question. I wonder often how much I can actually take as it’s been a very hard journey. The last three years have been a knee buckling, throat-wrenching, and a soul bursting time.  Meditation, music, crying and speaking is all I could do. All of these actions are what I like to refer to as growing pains. There were times that I lived in the womb of fear, trying to stretch my arms, legs, and pounding to get out. I wanted more and knew deeply there was something ahead. I just didn’t know WHAT that was.

I prayed and got really good with the Universe. I began to really understand that I simply can’t force my path or can I know more than the Universe. I had to become very humble and I spent a lot of time in prayer and silence. I had no choice but to keep moving even though there were obstacles. So many obstacles that I had to jump over! I had to admit to a crime I did not commit but have no way to defend myself and lose my daughter for 9 weeks while she suffered in fear. It was truly hell. I felt so much pain and I felt so alone. I was forced to become really close to myself and learn about my strengths, weakness, and fears. I had to be reborn and I was forced to make changes to survive. I was forced to work through the loss, tears, sorrow, and anger. I had to work harder than I even knew possible. I blistered, bled, and bruised but I pushed forward. Sometimes I even had to punch forward. I was NOT going to give up on my daughter, at whatever cost.

As I am learning, tomorrow I may do all of this over again!  Lessons are to be learned and frankly that doesn’t stop coming. This last year was living hell for us but I can state clearly and concisely that I am so very proud of us.

WE DID IT!

WE MADE IT!

WE finally WON!

2018 is a fresh start for us. We are now officially able to root, we are finally able to live in freedom. My ex can do very little to hurt us now and the courts are simply tired of seeing this case. That sword has been fallen on and I could not be more relieved. We are almost caught up on our late bills due to the 5 weeks of mess and I couldn’t feel more relief. We ended  2017 with a BANG! That bang allowed us to purge all that has past, allowing us room for whats to come. Whats coming is beautiful, big, and filled with love. We are so very confident about that now.

I have 7 books out, 2 in editing and several speaking events coming up. 2018 will be the year that I rise like the Phoneix I am. The ashes I am rising from are new hope, new dreams, and new energy. I am stronger than ever and have left the womb of fear to fly higher than I ever imagined possible.

 

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Until next time……

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The Journey

We made it safely to New Hampshire only to have the harsh reality of freezing rain and harsh winds. These are things we don’t miss. Our toes, nose, fingers, car, and puppy tails are frozen and very uncomfortable. My windshield fluid is frozen and the drivers are just as dangerous as where we live in Florida. Huh!

As we drove through several states I always find the drive an adventure. I have seen some of the most amazing sunrises, sunsets, cloud formations, and towns. We always take a different route and there is a town called Darling in Maryland that was very much like a Thomas Kinkade painting. Last night as we drove through Maryland I was witness to a very intense crime scene. A box store was robbed. There were multiple police officers, cameras, and roadblocks. It was a sight for sure at 5 AM. I wonder what the truth is about the incident? As we drove through New Jersey the lights where amazing and then Delaware glowed. Traveling is never easy as there are always obstacles. I really am not a huge fan of taking 95 north as the Maryland/DC area is always bumper to bumper and always an accident. I like driving through the country and seeing the variations of America. I am so blessed to enjoy driving as I am witness to sights that I would never get to bear witness too if I jumped onto a plane. There is no hustle Bussel unless I make it that way.

I have witnessed the extreme poverty, the endless counts of homeless, prostitutes, gangs, drunk drivers, crashes, shooting stars, rainbows, and how delicate our economy is.I have had the best bonding time with my daughter as there is nothing else to do but talk and learn about each other. She provides a refreshing perspective in a world that can be so dark, mean, and lonely. Each time we make this trip north, I am witness to the never-ending towns that are filled with foreclosures, farms, shops, and homes that are being overtaken by nature as they are no longer loved. I am witnessed to the very sadness of deep poverty, hunger, and the real notion that this will only get worse as our government officials are far less inclined to provide assistance, awareness, and programs to lift folks up. The amount of children that are food insecure is heart-wrenching. Each state is different in their approach to poverty. I know from personal experience that New Hampshire is very apathetic to those who are struggling whereas the part of Florida I live in focus on helping the community rise out of this awful trench.

As I learn more about the depth of our country, I feel more empowered to keep advocating to end abuse and poverty. The more I learn about the reasons as to why and the causes for those reasons, I feel as though it’s my duty as a citizen, as an American, to educate why we have abuse and poverty. I am only one brick on this path but each of us needs to be the foundation of change. We need to help each other learn, educate, and provide much-needed change. I understand that the need to adjust our attitudes about mental illness and what the root of poverty really is would solve a lot of the misconceptions of how folks get into these situations. I hear some incredulous preconceptions of what others think actually happen to cause homelessness, abuse, and poverty. I also hear what the government says about its citizens who are in these trenches and even though at times I feel powerless, I know that at some point I will be heard. I just got to keep talking about it and educating others as to how easy it is to be poor, broken and abuses.

I am heavily invested in learning more about the whos, whys, and how to end each cycle. I know that with the help of others, it would end and that we all could live in harmony. I’ll be sharing my story of Poverty, Abuse, Injustice, and how to heal through it all on Sunday 12/31/17 at the  Unity of the Seacoast Church. I hope to see you there. I have also revised our “go fund me” to start accepting donations again for editing my latest book and publishing it.

Please join us in fighting the obvious, the levels of abuse, poverty, and homelessness

 

Happy Holidays from Chloe, Bella, Pepper, and I. We wish you the very best. 

 

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Rustie speaks at the Unity Church in Dover, NH/

12/31/17 at 10 AM

 

Please come join us at the Unity Church in Dover for a wonderful talk by Rustie MacDonald, International Author, Radio Talk Show host, Single Mother, and survivor, on Healing through the Storm.

How do you heal during a personal storm? How do you find hope & Gratitude when the world feels as though its falling apart around you?
Rustie is a multi Book Author who speaks on Abuse, Poverty, Rape, & how she has found happiness. Come hear her harrowing story and let her inspire you.

Unity of the Seacoast
61 Locust Street
Dover, NH 03869 United States
Phone: 603-749-06777
Email: bole631940@aol.com

 

 

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A World Of Gratitude

November is the month that we celebrate being grateful. Why we don’t make this a daily practice is beyond me but here it is. What is gratitude really & why it is so important? How do you appreciate your situation & how do you properly offer thanks? It’s a lot easier than we think. See, gratitude is simply acknowledging the beauty in that moment. To be thankful for a gift or for help. I believe that most folks are so fearful that gratitude is now sitting on the back shelf of their subconscious. We have developed a society that questions good deeds and market those who do nothing but bad. We have developed a paranoid society that has forgotten that a polite hello or simple thank you is all that is really needed. And that act is NOT sexual harassment. A scorned look or drivers who shake their fists at you because you are not going fast enough for their liking is what we endorse.

We undermine our children by lacking patience or concern for them. They have a question, we hand them a computer to answer it. Children see how we react in life as we are the role model they look up too and we are creating apathetic and confused adults by our dismissive and thankless actions. We have created a society in which we never have enough time, enough money, or enough emotions to share with someone else. The very act of putting off our children’s needs to watch a mindless and insulting Real Life tv show demonstrates to them their lack of importance to you. Yes, we need to unwind, I totally get it but it’s HOW you unwind and when that makes the impact. Hence my advocacy for morning Gratitude lists. However, there may be side effects in offering gratitude. I also believe that this is the main reason WHY people ignore being thankful. The side effects are Permanente & life changing.

I believe very strongly that if you were to sit or lay down & write EVERYTHING you are grateful about, we can change the course of the world. We can change the course of our parenting & how we perceive each other. We will begin offering more endorsements for the good, releasing the hold that fear has on us. It’s simple and yet so many don’t acknowledge the value this list offers. After about 10 days of writing a daily gratitude list, you will show significant signs of happiness. I know!! Amazing, right? The other side effects include heart opening, better relationships, self-love, smiling and wait! Here is the big one, your CHILDREN will become happier too!

WOW!

I am asked often how I can find happiness in my world. My life as everyone knows has been a painful roller-coaster ride with some bad monsters along the way. A couple of them still try to hurt us but that too will fail as the world is watching them. They are no longer hidden from view. In that, there is gratitude for the world is acknowledging that these types of folks exist, and we need to protect each other from them.

How have I found gratitude in my abusive relationships, rape, and even in poverty? The best way for me to describe this is that I have found appreciation for all that I have. See, folks can take but they can’t take everything. I still appreciate the moon, sunsets, my soft skin against my blankets. I appreciate a good warm meal and shelter from the rain. I appreciate the very part of me that those monsters were afraid of.

My strength.

My resolve and my unfettering desire to say, I am here. I am alive. I am well.

I am grateful for my daughter as she is a gift and she offers so much for her generation. I am grateful for a voice and a platform to speak my story so that others may heal or help prevent these crimes. I am grateful for things like avocados and sand. Of course, not as a meal but as a nice picnic on the beach. I find gratitude in every experience as its important to acknowledge your life. The good only is relevant when experienced with the bad. If everything was perfectly good, we would have no understanding of the value of Gratitude. So, we need to experience the bad to truly, soulfully appreciate the good.

I have been given a lifelong experience that is now used as a voice for others who have survived, died, or are currently in the midst of abuse and severe poverty. I tell my story worldwide on radio, TV, and through writing to help inspire change. To help end abuse of all kinds. To educate on the realities of what abuse is and how we can stop it. I am grateful to have walked in those shoes so that I can relate, advocate, and be compassionate about a very tough subject. I truly believe that we can stop these heinous acts and that we have the power, as a united voice, to change the world. Each time you share this information, its opening the eyes of others. Each time you listen too and share a podcast, its offering hope to someone in need. Each time you offer a hand of kindness, you are changing the world by displaying that you are in Gratitude. And that’s contagious.

So, in that, please celebrate every day. Life truly has no limit of possibilities, but life is limited in time. There is not a lot of time in our lives and I really urge you to make the most of what you do have. Get on writing that gratitude list. Nothing is too small to be thankful for. It’s wonderful to be grateful for even the assholes in our lives. Why? They represent what you are turning away from. That’s gratitude.

There is always a reason, purpose, and season.

I am grateful for you.

 

Until next time……………….

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Emotional Quagmire

There are certain things that I can not articulate after years of abuse. There are certain things that we survivors hold close to our hearts.  Including our want to have you in our hearts. We lock our needs up. We shut down. We protect what little of ourselves we have. There is nothing more terrifying than having someone who you offered complete trust, rip you apart as though you are nothing. The heart can only break so many times before it stops beating.

As a survivor, we don’t want to use our feelings as for years, our feelings were dismissed by our abuser. Our feelings had to be boxed. We had to box them away like seasonal objects. For years, our boxes piled up high and each time I packed another box, I opened a moment of contempt and closed my contempt into another box and piled it along the side of my emotion boxes. Eventually, the room that held my boxes became what I call an “Emotional Quagmire”. This obligatory place of reaction, fear, hopes, dreams, and death. Over time, this E. Q. was my safety. At least I knew what to expect there. A Place that I knew would hurt. The E.Q. is a place in which all the sadness, monsters, fears, hurt, bruises, memories, love, anger, hate, hope, and faith hang out together. Each fights for you. They want to be apart of your today. Fear and hurt rally together and hope that sadness will take over your “today”. Then hope and love beg faith to be a louder cheerleader in your thinking. The question is who will win? Eventually, one will and the result will always be who you allow winning. Even in this emotional battle of healing, you are more powerful than your past thinking. At times, we just dont know that. We lose ourselves in this battle and forget who we are over time.

See, people are unpredictable. Even the ones you love will be the first to rip every piece of soul out of your body with enough intention. Parents will call you horrible names, tell you are you will fail and they may even abandon you. While husbands remind you why you were abandoned as you are simply a failure. Then they agree that you should have been abandoned and maybe they will leave you too. There are daily insults, and sometimes shoving. But there is always an insult. Shaming. Blaming. Guilty demonstrations of the abuser’s inability to accept their own insecurities. The boxes stack up higher and higher. Eventually, you will stop labeling them. Just fill and stack.

The battle in the E.Q. rages on for as long as we allow. Even in the fight to get away from our abusers, they use deceit, lies, and money to keep you tethered to their need to hurt you. Yes, a cycle that is played over an over again. The saddest of all is that our society is far too educated to continue to allow this but we do. Lawmakers ignore pleas to change laws, lawyers indulge in continuing the battle as its finical security for them. No moral scruples for some of these folks. It’s a game that doesn’t hurt them. The lack of compassion and morality to assist with ending Domestic violence does not exist in some. Then there are those who live in a world that is antiquated. They only perceive domestic violence as that of which is seen. Bruises. Blood. Death. The very fact of manipulation, mind games, verbal, emotional, and finical abuse means nothing. I wonder what these folks think of Manson? Hitler? They must be innocent in their eyes.

Trust? No. Not me.

I am a sensitive, quirky soul who gives every ounce of her being to people. The gift I get back has been lies, cheating, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and watching my daughter being abused. Motherhood is complicated and frankly, a mother would never allow or do any harm to her child. We are to protect our children and as scary as it is, there are places in this world that prevent us from protecting our children. Even in 2017, there are places in this world that our children are no more than a car. Simply property to be divided 50%. As mothers, we stay in shitty relationships because we know that leaving our children alone, maybe the most dangerous. Sometimes, we have to lie to the abuser to keep them at bay. Sometimes, we leave. I know in my case when we left, we tried to find help but in #Newhampshire, they only believe what they can see. #Newhampshire has a theory that children are to be split 50% as they are merely property. The judges refuse to speak to the children as they deem one parent “unduly” influences the child’s independence. In New Hampshire, children are mindless creatures without souls, so it seems. Frustrating to think this is how we are forced to live when in truth, we all know better. Of course, I am sure other states have similar thinking but I can only speak from my experience.

Yes, even in our highly educated society, children are still deemed “dumb”. Treated as though they are mindless. Even in our educated society, we have men who are State Representatives’s that make misogynistic statements like “that a man’s inclination is to grope women who are breastfeeding in public” or statements like  “rape isn’t an absolute bad because the rapist I think probably likes it a lot. I think he’d say it’s quite good really.” Or even famous son’s that state that sexual harassment should be expected otherwise women should teach kindergarten.  Eventually, this will explode and we will be a civil, and peaceful society. At least, while I sit in my E.Q. Hope offers this thought to me.

Abuse is a very real issue that folks face daily. The majority of abused are children, then women and yes, there are men who are abused but not on average. As we witness ourselves in this world, become compassionate to those who maybe going through a storm. Or maybe, they are cleaning out their Emotional Quagmire. Healing from past storms. Abuse isn’t a good thing, a thing to be cherished. It’s a condition that can be fixed. However, we need to strongly educate what Abuse is so that it can stop. We are far too smart to continue to ignore abusers. We are far too aware what the end results are if we do not work harder to stop Abusers. Abusers spread their condition by abusing. New abusers emerge. Its a fact and it needs to stop. We can do this.

The first step is to clean out your own Emotional Quagmire. Learn to speak what you have held so tightly in your E.Q. boxes. Forgive. Allow the resentments to be heard and let them free. Allow yourself to heal. This is the first step that we all can do to end Abuse. To end the cycle from continuing. The next is to speak up and advocate for the children who can not or are not allowed to speak up for themselves. Bang on the lawmaker’s doors and let them know you are serious and want to be heard. Help by volunteering at Domestic Violence shelters, orphanages, foster care programs and advocate to end abuse.

Our children have hope and that hope is YOU.

                                                                                   Until next time……………….

 

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Sunday Funday

I woke up this morning super early. Why? I guess sleeping in on Sunday is not an option. 3 AM came and poof! Eyes wide open. I snuggle into my pillows and pull my quilt up under my chin. I am so grateful for my bed, for our home, for work. It’s been a hell of a ride but we are getting there and this morning is a reminder of how hard work eventually pays off.Today is special for many reasons but mostly because we are just in a state of gratitude. I bundle myself deeper into my bedding and one foot pops out. I am at a perfect temperature. Its fall here, the sun rises around 7:30 now and goes down at about 4:30. The birds are chirping their wake up songs and I am smiling.

THIS!

THIS is what I want! 

I am super excited as I just submitted my Article to a Smart Healthy Women’s Magazine to publish in November. The Topic is on Gratitude, a subject I am very fond of. I crawled reluctantly out of my very comfortable bed to finished writing my chapter in a new book I will co-author on  “Energy Healing”. Another subject in which I am well versed. I have a pile of invites to respond to for Radio/TV Interviews sharing my story. I am feeling very blessed right now. I am feeling like all the hard work and sacrifices have finally sparked more interest. I do feel that it would not have been possible if it wasn’t for you. My readers. Thank you for helping me share my story internationally.

Obstacles are there to test you. Obstacles want to know how bad you want something. Fear is there cheering all those obstacles on. Self Doubt, who is the best Friend of Fear, stands on the sideline, timidly whispering at you how you simply “can not”. Yes, I love learning and I am getting better at overcoming my obstacles. I am getting better at not allowing people to interfere with my goals. I know that I will be hit with more challenges. I know that I need to be gentle with myself as those obstacles will test my resolve. They will test me until I learn.

Boy, am I learning.

Chloe is doing rather well. She is one of two youth artists at the Venice Chalk Festival. She won the 2nd place in the Lung Cancer Poster Competition AND we will know if she won Districts AGAIN the first week of January. I am so proud of her and I know that with her continued successes, she will have a very bright future. She is paving the way for other young artists to excel and I couldn’t be more proud. She is a superstar! Ok, Ok. I am her biggest fan.

Chloe and I are headed out today as its #sundayfunday and who knows what we will get into. We are grateful to be getting back on our feet. We are grateful to be apart of an amazing community and we are grateful that we are safe. Unfortunately, that means today’s post will be short.  Tune in to the radio shows and don’t forget to buy the latest book!

 

 Until Next time………………

 

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Healing in Paradise

As I sit in a metal chair, my feet resting on white sand, the ocean breeze brushes my hair off my face. The tiki statues stare firmly outwards and a cover band takes an attempt at David Bowie’s Ground control to Major Tom. The dragonfly dances in circles, chasing another. The SeaGulls swoop around hoping that one human dropped something off their plate. People drive up to the Tiki Hut and park their boats and kids play sand games. Dogs lay at their owner’s feet and the clouds slowly pass us by.

This is Paradise. 

An announcement of a 30 years wedding anniversary and then the drummer begins to drum on. The breeze takes a break and the humidity takes over causing a sweat mustache to form over our lips. This isn’t the kind of weather where you wear your best as no matter what you do, your clothing will still stick to your skin causing you to look like a damp towel. Makeup slowly floats off your warm skin and the eyes are starting to have forehead droplets interfering with the view. Then the breeze, back from its nap, cools you off again. The clouds begin to gray as this is early afternoon and the showers are due any moment now. 

This is Paradise. 

The folks are eating, laughing and having fun. Lovers cuddle closer and husbands clutch their wives. Mothers dance with their toddlers and the band plays on. The clouds roll by. Some look like dinosaurs, others like an attempt to practice origami while drunk, but still the band plays on. The sudden fierceness of the crackle and the rain arrives. Pelting down on us hard. We are soaked, we are feeling cooled down and thank goodness I had time to grab my love, my notebook. My coveted notebook so as it did not get wet. I wipe my glasses and slowly sway to the beat of the song. Folks are laughing about being caught in the rain. What are you going to do? This is paradise after all. Strangers dance with each other having a good time.

This is Paradise. 

The water rises and circles around the pier. The barnacles being bombarded with the waves. Seaweed is laying gently on the top floating side to side. The smell of the rain hitting the hot cement and grass is invigorating. The palms wave back and forth as though swaying with the music. Everyone is dancing huddled under the Tiki Hut. Then the rain stops as suddenly as it started. There is a feeling of disappointed that the fun is over and everyone starts to scatter back to where they started. I sit back down at my soaking wet table. I am already wet so it truly doesn’t matter. I finish my drink, writing some more and then I decided that I should walk the beach.

This is Paradise.

My thoughts are more complex than usual and the beach is my home. We are safe here and that’s a feeling I haven’t had in years. We are supported now and very much at home. It has been a tough ride to get here. To become safe. To sever ties with those whose only intention was to hurt us. It has been a painful growing up time but I am so much healthier. I am so much stronger and wiser. I could never have imagined enduring what Chloe and I have had to endure alone. But we did in many ways. We had fleeting moments of disparity. We had fleeting moments of giving up. We endured. We dug our heels in harder and continued. We have worked so hard to get to a safe, healthy and happy place. Now, we are healing. Healing from the abuse. Healing from the drama. Healing from the pain.

We are healing in Paradise. 

Chloe is flourishing here as I knew she would. The programs, teachers, and opportunities are endless for this kid. She is so happy to be home and bouncing back from her traumatic summer. She is winning awards, volunteering, laughing and walking in confidence again. She losing weight again and acting more confident.  She is having sleepovers, reading again, and simply being a kid. Chloe is learning Russian as she has her mothers gypsy blood and wants to travel. She loves to travel and I couldn’t be more grateful to our future as we plan to globe trot. She wants to visit so many places, I think we will have to turn it into a career for her. 

Thank goodness.

I know it’s going to be a battle for the next few years and of course I wish it wasn’t going to be. This battle is out of my hands and all I can do so offer as much safety and stability as I can.  I attend my meetings at the battered women’s shelter and Chloe has her therapy. We are committed to moving past this past few years and getting to happier & healthier times.

I have a few new opportunities for speaking that have popped up over the last few days. This is a good thing! I have been interviewed by several radio shows and its increasing peoples understanding of what we have gone through. I cant say that I am thrilled about having to have experienced all that we have but I can say that since telling my our story, we have been able to inspire several thousand folks who are struggling in their own ways. That is an honor like no other. So, please keep sharing my blogs and writing in. I love talking to you all and I am glad that the silver lining of our trauma is that we are able to help so many get through theirs.

Latest interview:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/coffeetalkwithsoy/2017/10/14/soy-is-taking-a-stand-on-domestic-violence

                                                                                                            Until next time..

                                                                                                                                          Until next time..………………

 

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Walking barefoot on broken glass

It has been hard to recover after this summer of hell. Frankly the last 7 years have been hellish and hit or miss on the happiness factor. We have done our very best to make the most out of this situation and rugs keep getting pulled out from under our feet. The court battle keeps getting feed and I can’t seem to get away from it. I feel like I am forced to walk barefoot on broken glass. The pain surges up my legs into my brain and doesn’t stop. The bill monster keeps reminding me I am behind and the money isn’t pouring in. It’s simply not. Now, I have a LOT going on and doing my best to change our circumstances but I’ll tell you it’s really hard. I keep getting dragged up north to attend court hearings and that causes me to lose that weeks pay. Again, putting us behind. I know that’s the intent by his lawyer. To keep pushing the limits and to keep hurting me finically.

Somedays, I feel like its an exercise in futility. Once I had a savings account. Once I had a decent job and in one court order…I lost it all. It’s hard to explain to folks how painful this all has been. Overwhelming doesn’t seem to be strong enough of a word to describe the constant stress that we have been forced to live under. The stress has caused me to have weight gain, sleeplessness, my B’s and D’s are down again. All for what? That’s how it was over the last 6.5 years. I haven’t had a job with benefits in years. I haven’t had health insurance since my ex immediately took me off of his.

Yes, that’s what its like to live in poverty. A small taste of the continuation of the struggle. Poverty is like quicksand. It’s so easy to feel one moment you are getting straight and then the next…POOF. Gone. One missed the car payment, One missed Rent Check. The zombie effect of poverty makes time seem as though it’s slow but it’s passing you by at rapid speeds. Then you are back to Ground Zero. Bills keep pouring in and now they are fined as they are late. It’s like walking on a hot frying pan wearing vaseline slippers. It will take a miracle to get out of this cycle. The feeling of the mind-boggling overwhelming shit storm hits and you begin to lose control over the bills, time and even your own needs.

Poverty sucks and it sucks, even more, when you are FORCED to be in this role. In my upcoming book (yes, I know I am having to edit AGAIN) I explain everything that we endured and the whys. Its a harrowing and chilling story. But through of the shit we have been put through, I made sure my daughter was loved, cared for and has more than enough. I find every scholarship I can to keep her going. I hug her, support her, encourage her and praise her. Whether we live in a house, tree, car or storage unit, I will always give her all that I can. I dont have very much for clothing, shoes, or personal items as I am focused on her. She is the one who needs, I will be fine. We laugh, joke and do all that we can do to get our lives back to some form of happi place. She is doing well in school and her art is FANTASTIC.

Breath. 

As I write, I feel tears welling up as this journey has been emotional and painful on many levels. The largest is that I trusted someone who is so deeply hateful, he won’t stop doing everything he can just to keep hurting us. That’s a sadness I can’t seem to heal. But my feet keep moving forward and I still wave my flag in hopes that our circumstances change quickly. That for once, we get that much-needed break. I fake my happiness when I have to and I cry when I have too. I stay up all night accepting that my thinking is riddled with fears and there are some nights I sleep like a baby. I pace the house, fearing that we will lose it and I am nervous at work fearing I will lose my job because of all the damn court hearings. Then I breathe and come to terms with the fact that we are where we are because I am supposed to be here. I am supposed to tell the world our story to inspire change. To inspire young women to keep moving forward.

Breath. 

Chloe and I are just starting to feel stable & normal again. We are sleeping better and laughing more. She is finally having friends over. We are making plans for a vacation next year and looking forward to volunteering at various upcoming events. We are meeting new people and becoming one with our community. I feel like we might catch up financially as I took on a new 3-month contract and  I was also hired as Creative Director for Cheers, Sip, & Paint. I will have to work extremely hard to find work with this role but it’s a good opportunity that eventually will help us stabilize. I have to build a book of business to get this rolling. The income is just not immediate and everyone wants immediate. I am included in that. I am doing all that I can to get us back on our feet and yet We are still tittering on collapse. We are so very fragile. My ex-decided that he was going to stop paying child support in May and that caused a huge issue as I am now behind on rent. He is paying again but hasn’t paid the arrears so I am still behind. It only takes one misstep to fall completely backward as one tries to recover from poverty. Or one Hurricane named Irma who also cost me another weeks wages.

Can I get a break here?

Breath.

Unfourtantly, New Hampshire has not understood or simply may not care as to what finical withholding is. Or how it is used as a way to abuse the other party. The goal of this form of abuse is to make everything completely difficult. And so far, its worked. Things have been very difficult and I am glad that some folks have been patient with this like my job. I know I won’t lose it. My current landlord is losing her patients though. Frankly, New Hampshire is so far in the dark about Domestic Violence issues and there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to take it like a “good girl”. It has been a strange process to go through when some many years have gone by, the many wasted $$’s fighting in court and the refusal to respond to co-parenting requests.  The TIT for TAT, Gaslighting, and the storytelling that is mostly untrue but has convinced some. The years keep going by but his desire to keep fighting has not ended. The truth is always going to be smeared with some delusional paranoid thought and the truth will be lost in the battle. I suppose that is why family courts are just not ever going to be an honest place to be.

And there is nothing I can do….but share my story.

What I have endured is that there is a spiraling effect in the courts. The largest problem is that money will buy your verdict. The second largest fault is that lawmakers are apathetic with domestic violence issues and so cases like mine get to drag on and on and on.  I have found in New Hampshire, I haven’t seen it here in Florida or in the Vermont courts, is that New Hampshire judges are allowed to use discretion more than law. So, if the judge doesn’t “like”  you, you are not taken seriously. The case is automatically swayed to the other side EVEN if the evidence shows them to be in the wrong. One would think after 7 years of the BS my ex-has put us through, the courts would finally do something about him. This spirals around and around and there is no way to stop it. This is also a form of abuse that New Hampshire doesn’t recognize. The utilization of court to continue to hurt the parent by bringing them in on false charges, the latest in my case was a “clarification & demand” for me to pay his lawyers fees. Around 6K. There is that darn finical withholding again.

84% of the single mothers in this country are well below poverty level and they are very under-represented as they are not able to pay for a lawyer. Like me. I have a degree and skill set but its hard to get a high paying job that will allow you to work between the hours of 9-4 as you don’t have childcare. That too costs money. ITs even harder when you have a pending felony over your head as your ex will do all that he can to claim you kidnapped his child. True? Not even close.  Granted Chloe is now 12, she does not feel she is ready to be home alone yet and after what she has gone through, I totally understand it. So, single mother like myself are forced to work low-income jobs, multiple jobs and that too can cause frustration. Heaven forbid you to get a Public Defender in New Hampshire, as you still have to pay for them.

Surprise! 

And that’s how the spiral goes for the poor. For the mothers fighting for their children. The laws are set up in such a way that you are either forced to quit fighting or jailed for fighting and in some circumstances, the children are removed because you just can’t get on your feet while the other continues to hit you with court dates. Money wins. I really feel that New Hampshire has set up the “system” to punish the poor. There have been ZERO regards to our struggle and there was even a comment by the judge that I should be able to pay my bills on my weekly salary of 210$. Ok?

“So, if you are poor, let’s push you down further.”‘

” Lets really see how homeless you can be.”

Yes, there is a disparity between reality and the law. This is how the Family court system works, at least what I have experienced in New Hampshire.It’s not about the children. It’s simply about who has the most money, who has the strongest will and who can find the dirtiest lawyer. My mind still remains boggled at how the “system” fails so many folks.

And so, we move forward with- I am sure– more battling and his continuation of not responding to pertinent co-parenting questions. And all because he wants to make things difficult. 7 years later its still the same. Nothing but the same thing. What a ride.  All I can say is that it’s deeply heartbreaking to know that the focus of his attention is to get back at me and not help raise his daughter. BUT the family courts allow this to continue. He has the money to keep paying for a lawyer who utilizes these tactics and New Hampshire continues to allow it. I am just grateful that we have already gone through 7 years and there is only about 5 left to go before it finally stops.

My goal this year is to lose my extra pounds & to get healthy! I will keep supporting Chloe and all the amazing things she has accomplished. As well, I will keep working towards stabilizing our life and praying that one day, this family can heal from the unfathomable pain caused by hate and a broken judicial system.

 

                                                                                Until next time……………………

 

 

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Writers bleed

I woke up in searing pain. I had something stuck under my eyelid. As my eye slid back and forth, the thing scratched my fragile cornea. My eyes watered in hopes to remove whatever this foreign object was. My eye swelled, tears streaming. I used saline, water, showered, and even put a hot compress on this cornea shredding monster. 3 hours later, this monster was removed but the scratches and swelling remain. I love to sit outside in the morning, listening to the birds and watching the sunrise. Today, the dawn light was far too bright for my eye and it teared up. The tears gathering as a team to protect the delicate cornea. Driving to work was a challenge as only one eye could handle the Sun’s rays. As the day wears on, the eye begins to heal. The tears are no longer flowing and the swelling is down.

There is a sensational beauty in my moment of pain. Our bodies are so miraculous in the lending of self-made resources to achieve self-healing. The tears committed to protecting my eye. The eyelid committed to swelling to add more protection and the very pain caused me to be cautious during this healing process. How beautiful that my body can act as a team to work towards the same goal. My drive is maybe 15 minutes long but I was hit with the idea that if my body can act like this amazing healing team, why can’t we act that way as humans? It became very clear to me that my body has the power to heal itself and if we can begin to act like a team, this world can be healed.

This is how writers bleed. 

We write to control the bleeding. The Words. The emotions. The Sensations. The story.

As I drive to work, I watch folks fussing over the waste caused by Irma. The tree branches, leaves, debris, and broken roofs floating around each other’s yards. There are signs of mild flooding and almost every yard has a large pile of whats been gathered to be removed. There are a handful of folks complaining about all the work they have had to do because of this storm. I watch in amazing aw and try very hard not to yell at their complaints with my thinking. I want so badly to say, “you are an ass” as my mind’s images flip to the photos of Puerto Rico Or the damage in Barbuda. I would love to say: “You can not stand here tell me about all this work and not utter one word of being grateful?” I bit my lip and keep my fleeting thoughts to myself. It’s not my place to argue others feelings. They just don’t want to see the beauty in this moment. I am grateful to see it and to respect it. I have realized that there are just some folks that need to be unhappy. They like themselves better unhappy. So, I am learning to respect the fact that they are never going to see the beauty in this ever-changing world.

I have known my entire life that I have some purpose, some reason to be here. I have gone to hell and back a few times. I am still here. I was told how worthless, lazy, fat, hyper, stupid, and anything oppressive that suited that persons need to hurt me. But I am still here. My body will still heal me. My heart will still be scarred and tattered but it is healing. As I watch the yellow broken line in the middle of the road my minds creative juices start flowing and a story has to come out. My words are boiling in my veins, wanting to get out of my body. 55 MPH and 3 minutes to go until I can click on my keyboard.

My mind may be a maze of incredible thinking but there is no end to where my thoughts go. Leaving me, the writer, bleeding. My words flow throughout the mental labyrinth with such ferocity. My words mingle with my visions and scents. The words go unstoppable until they finally hit the keys on the keyboard. Racing to get out of my mind and to be shared with you.  My emotions can run wild, my thoughts are at times out of control and yet I am still here. I can no longer cry over whats been done. As I am still here. The intention? The purpose? As I work on the 5th version of my latest book, I am re-inspired to be a human on this planet. I am re-inspired to see all that I have done, endured and somehow got through. I am re-inspired to know for a fact that everyone on this planet could have the same ecstasy life that I do.  I am able to sit back and watch folks fussing, laughing, living and being apart of this world. I love it. I am so grateful.

I have come to terms with the fact that I still have a certain amount of Obstacles with the ineffective legal system in New Hampshire. I perfectly am aware that my ex is going to “drama-up” the next few years.  But time is running out for that drama too. I no longer have tears for this and I feel healed. My body acted as a team and has helped me to be at peace with all of this. I am going to get through that as I have everything else.

I must now LIVE fully in my life. Boy. that feels so good!!

I love to stand in the middle of my yard when it rains. I feel each drop hit me and I fall in love with being alive all over again. Each drop pushes its way across my skin and the warmth of the water becomes so refreshing. I love it. I am so grateful. When I sit I sit with purpose. I like to watch life unfold and I use all my senses to feel the moment. I wake up loving the very sensation of my bed, comforter, Bellas nose gentle leaning against the nap of my back and the excitement of what today will bring me to explore, to feel and to write about.

I love being alive, being healthier, happier and more at peace than I have ever known.

Yes, I am finally HERE.

 

 Until Next time…….

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