Have you ever sat back and looked at the entirety of your life? Have you ever wondered what in the world were you thinking and why would you have even thought that was a good idea? I certainly have and at times I have looked back to say what does this all mean?
I have wondered often why I was to be abused the majority of my life. What was the intention and purpose of it? This is Not to say I never expressed the ‘Why me’s’. Of course I have. I am only human and for that I do feel self-pity…… at times. How can one go through THAT much trauma and not feel pity? As I grow, I have learned that these lessons are what they are and for the most part, I feel that I am on some crazy quest. This ‘life thing’ is some form of discovery and healing. I need to experience and I need to do one of two things.
Repeat the Cycle or Break it.
Let’s BREAK IT!
I have, over the years come to the realization that the cycle MUST be broken. I have terminated several relationship’s, including my marriage to end the cycle of abuse. I have ended jobs that caused me much pain and stress. What I have decided is that it is best for me to sit back, observe, heal, grow and share my story to encourage others to do the same. Life is a wonderful journey and filled with surprises. Not to say the surprises are always what we want or love. Certainly, there are times we can all say that life is filled with painful obstacle’s and one would have to be a well trained “emotional ninja” to advert any possibilities of self-pity or hurt. We are after all, human and filled with flaws of all types. We are swallowed by our imaginations and ego. Our fears are the first voice that answers any question. There are certain people in life (I know of 2) that you will find live in the drama filled state so that they are constantly attended too. All these people do is cause harm to themselves and others.
Because their fear consumes them.
Emotions are amazing and complex. They can range from Happy to Stagnant within seconds. People who allow fear to consume them are not afraid of negatives but usually positives about others. They base this off of their feelings about themselves. It’s as though no one else can be successful because they are not. Their personal insecurities enable the fear to thrive and thus, continues the cycle. I have spent most of my life surrounded by these people. They tried to consume me too.
I look back at my life and have designed a timeline (so I can finish Having Tea with my Skeletons) to help me along the way. As I heal, grow and transform, I have accepted the path I have been walking and decided to step off it and create a new path. A path that is being forged by my feet and my relentless desire to succeed and change at least one life.
Even if that is MY life as I know my life will affect others.
I do not want, allow or accept people to hurt me.
That includes my own fear based thinking. It won’t be easy and yet, I am walking it with a new sense of wonder and hope. I know that I am better at placing boundaries and not settling for someone or something I do not want in my life. I am stronger and more clear about what I need for myself.
I am tired.
I am weak.
BUT I will keep going.
Until next time………………….