I have a long road ahead in my journey to healing. Its much longer than I had expected. I have a lot of ZEST and tend to see the “end” and nothing else in between. I have been working on myself, healing, loving and accepting my self….. diligently. I have come to the realization that this “inner work” is a lot harder than I thought it would be. My inner ‘Go GO Gadget’ personality seems to think it is going to be smooth and swift. It has not been. I am a natural fighter and my instinct is to resist instead of Flow.
I do realize that I blame a lot of my current circumstances on my past decisions. I have taken the wrong turn and I can tell you vehemently where. Why I think that blaming anyone or anything makes this journey smoother is beyond me. However, I have recently come to a place where I am accepting that the choice(s) I have made are neither good nor are they bad. I may have thought I took wrong turns on my path and frankly, I have sat on that thought for the last 6 years. I have spent a considerable amount of time blaming myself for all these “facts” that I was ……
abandoned (several times),
…….attended too many schools to mention…..
…………that I was raised in poverty…..
……………..that I did not have enough…
……………….was not taught how too…….
I failed myself.
I am not good enough and was not given enough to be the best me I can be.
I am not able too because……
I took a left where I should have took a right.
The choices that I have made or turns that I have taken on my path are simply what they are. They are just turns on my Labyrinth and really, that is all that it is. A series of twists, turns and choices.I know I have written before about life as a roller coaster and so on so I wont bore you with repeating too many details BUT I am having fun acknowledging the personal thoughts that hold me in my safety zone. The fear thoughts, the thought that some where some how I was to be given a manual and directions as to how to live my life brighter. My ego screams that the path “should have been…..” But its not. Our paths are uniquely ours and how we stumble through the path is also just as unique.
As I walk through this Labyrinth we call life, I am beginning to look at the turns, the bends and the steepness of the path that lay before me. I am driving slower and breathing more. I am seeking softer steps and making room for rest. I always felt hurried before. I needed too be there fast! Now, I am seeing more and feeling more.
Time is running out…
I am learning that regrets and sorrow need to be held, but only for a moment. I am learning that healing is necessary and that TIME really is fleeting. I am learning to allow, accept and believe. I know that in my mind, in my ego, I should have been much farther along then I am in this life. I know that I am walking on my path but NOW I just want to stroll. I don’t want to run anymore…even though I have this crazy burning… instinct that I am to be somewhere very special and I just have to rush through and get there.
I am not sure what turn Ill take next or how slow Ill take it but I am going to breath more and take better care of myself. I need to respect time, flow and energy exerted. I need to release the fears and embrace the moment. I want to see the seconds not the years. I want to indulge in the here…the now.
IF I am to be somewhere special, Ill gt there someday but not in my old hurried and stubborn way.
……..until next time