I am asked often how a single parent is expected to start over. Between the hurt, the anger, the financial stress and the usual conflict with the EX-how does one actually start over? I don’t know. I am fumbling along just like everyone else. What I do know is that I can speak for myself and share my thoughts on the topic. If it resonates with you then great, if not GREAT too! However, I don’t think anyone has a perfect answer. This is a tough topic because you have more then just you to consider.
There are many thoughts that will run through your head at first. The main question is how ready are you to be with someone else? How willing and able are you to TRUST someone else? (Trust was just broken on SO many levels.) How ready are you to share your personal needs with someone else? Are you looking for just the physical pleasure or emotional connections? Both? Are you looking to fill something in your soul? Are you looking to avoid being alone? Are you aware of Diseases that are out there now, then and well….ewwwwww. Once you determine what it is your actually trying to do and trust me you will go back and fourth with all kinds of
“wants”. I hope that you become real clear and real honest as to what it is that you want for yourself in this time.
When you are first separated from your partner you will feel tremendous feelings. Joy. Sadness. Anger. Hate. Rage. Happiness. Whatever those feelings are they are not subtle. The first year or two of separation lends to all types of new thoughts and freedoms. I don’t think anyone in this case has a base line of emotions. We are just re learning what it means to be alone. To be ‘ourselves’.
You are now ONE. No longer us or we.
Now, I, Me, Myself.
Stop and really think about this. For the first time in a long time you can order out if you want. You can call who you want, there is no pressure to brush your teeth or even get out of your pjs. You can be as lazy or as busy as you want. There is NO one to really answer to. (If you have kids, that’s a little different) If you want to take tap dancing because you have always wanted too but didn’t have support from your last partner, TAKE TAP dancing. Go for it! Why not? This is the time to re-invent yourself. To learn about who you are and what you want in this life. How do you want to write the next chapter in your personal book? So, as far as I am concerned, DO it and Explore the possibility’s.
So, back to Sex. Stop blushing. We all want it. I am sure you are not a virgin. After all, if you are reading this you are probably already a parent and well you got there by the adult version of the “Hokey Pokey”. We all know SEX—so I am not going to explain sex as most of you are well trained. However, what I want to have everyone thinking about is the emotions and needs of sex. Its important for you to know that just because your relationship changed and ended you did NOT end. Your sexuality is what it is. You have feelings, wants, desires and needs just like every other living creature on this planet. The cool part is you get to recreate what that looks like now. NOW, you get to re-explore your sexual nature. There are things that you might want to do that you couldn’t with your EX. Now, you can reinvent your desires on a whole new level. I think that this part is the most exhilarating because you will know more now then you ever did about what it is your are looking for in a partner and in yourself. You may explore as much or as little as you like. You are free to do as you choose. (I do advocate protection!) I do think that once you have a clear understanding of what you are looking for go find it. I personally believe that you do not die just because your relationship ended. I know far too many women who just give up. They do not feel empowered to find other options, feel comfortable with alternative gratifications and find it very tedious to attempt weeding out the online profiles.
Get up! Get sexy and go on a date.
Clear your head of the negatives. I know that some feel too fat or too this or too that. Who cares. I mean really. If there are 7.4 Billion people on this planet, there has to be one who likes thicker thighs or doesn’t mind a little tummy. Really? You are NOT so hideous that a date is impossible. So CLEAR you mind of that stuff. We are relatively grown up and now we are super wise. So, go out. Look. Its all good and healthy. I can guarantee there is a mate out there looking for exactly what you have. Big, little, tall or short. There is a mate. The weeding process is the hardest. I find it exhausting to weed out those who I want to even consider kissing much less sleeping with. But I am picky. I have single friends who are not. They are not looking for something serious. So, they get a lot of “action”.
YES! , you CAN have sex as a single parent and YOU are a sexy beast!
Do not allow these people into your child’s life willy-nilly. Be cautious and considerate of your child’s feelings as they are already struggling with loyalty issues and to see you with someone new, often and in a romantic way isn’t healthy. I know that makes this seem almost impossible but there are alternatives. I have ended dates because the expectation is that they can come over anytime. No, only the days I do not have my daughter. That’s how I roll. I don’t want her to see me in a romantic relationship until I know that it is long term and real. I also caution having strangers around your children in general, use common sense. I did find out that one person I was chatting with online was a convicted Pedophile. So, I caution you to use common sense. They are everywhere and risking your life or your child’s life is serious.
Ok rant over.
If you don’t know them well you may not know what the real intentions are and there are all types of people. Some are good and some are bad. Avoid involving your child with someone who you are not fully aware of. You are human, sexual and starting over. I get it. You have an itch to scratch and “man oh man” waking up to someone to cuddle with is PART of that itch (at least for me). I so get it. However, your children are first and being creative is important to balance your needs with the needs of your children. So, keep your personal time personal. Keep your parent time as a priority.
Find the balance to how you can enjoy being an adult and a parent. Your not dead, and hell your probably sexier then your were. So, enjoy the new you. Embrace it and love the fact that this is your second chance. (OMG! The new things to explore! ) Just shield the kids from it until you are in something Permanente and Serious.
Be creative. Remember the days when you use to make out in the car or fondle in the movie theatre? What about a midnight swim? There are ways to be creative, make sex a wonderful and HEALTHY part of your life and still be a solid pillar for your babies.
Until Next Week……………