To throw your middle finger at the “NAY sayer’s” and the challenges you are faced with?
What does it really mean to say I have just simply had enough?
I am ALL DONE.
Frankly, in my life and in my experience: I only get to say “I am done, screw you” at the end of each lesson. I walk past it, feeling exhausted, emotionally done and still sweaty only to be handed another hard core lesson and boy am I tired of being the Athlete of my life. From birth to this very day, I have had one challenge after another and frankly, I am hopeful that this last challenge is truly my last and I can finally retire from my Life’s version of the Olympics. I am very much like everyone else. I want true love, peace, a vastly amazing career and to watch my daughter grow into the amazingly stunning women she is destined to be.
I work hard, I make mistakes, I cry, I pray and I often fall to my knees asking God ‘why the cruelty’? Why am I the punch line of so many of your Jokes, God?
Why do I get to spend most of my life in pain, hurting, scared and stressed? I have been shot at, raped, abused, living in poverty, struggling with Cervical Cancer since 14 and lost two children through miscarriage. I have been homeless, I have debt up to the sky and I have gained weight. I have thought about giving up on life so many times, only to wipe the sweat off my forehead and say, ‘well maybe one more time’ and forward I move. At times, I move slowly, at others I run through life’s China Shop and swiftly get to the other side. I fall and I get up. I drive off the road because I am so tired of this quest, test or lesson and yet I jolt awake and keep moving forward. I have had hundreds of “one more times” and I am confident that I will probably have a few more.
There will be a point in which I will have passed this ‘book of tests’ and I can than write, rest and marvel at the strength, determination and the resilience that I have learned over these last 40 years. My long term goals are just that. Write, read, laugh, love and watch my amazing daughter grow. For now, I will just keep on moving one more step and one more try. I will fall, I will get up and I will work towards my goals.
There is a part in my life I am recently accepting (cough, wheeze) is that the Universe is on a different time then I am. ‘Rustie Time’ is here and now while the Universe says, “hold on, (laughter fills the room) lets slow down and teach you a few more things. Here are a few more lumps because you are always in a hurry Miss Rustie. Now, I’ll deliver your wish when I am ready.”
What I appreciate in this life is that I am truly blessed with friends, family and with faith. I have so many people in my life that believe in me, even when I stop believing in myself. We are currently in a tough spot that is requiring a lot of help and we are getting postcards, love and support from all over the world. I am open to receive and yet I am so stubborn. I am learning to allow and biting my pride.
I need you.
I love you.
I am grateful for you.
I am humbly grateful for my lessons.
I am the least outwardly emotional person on the planet. “Closed off” is a description that is used mostly when I am described. However, I am slowly opening up the pathway to my heart. It’s not easy as I have been hurt more often than loved, unconditionally. I have been fooled in the past with some who claimed to love unconditionally and have only placed conditions on how I am to be, where I am to be and what I am to do. I am currently tied to one person who loves no one and only hurts us to feel. In time, that too will change. But in the meantime, what is it that I can do to shift my life into a purpose driven direction that I can love and support others with inspiration and hope? For some reason, I am called to continue and share my life.
I stay authentic, transparent and true to my journey. I won’t tell you that I will be perfect. I won’t tell you some fantasy that I am a Guru or some amazing person who was tapped on the forehead by God. More likely, I will tell you the truth and share my hurts, loves and discoveries. That is who I am. I am human. I am perfectly flawed and I am incredibly strong and loving. I will share with you My ‘Ah ha’ moments and I only hope that you can laugh, cry and be inspired to do things in a new way. Or maybe you will keep doing things the same way you are already doing them.
The Universe has jokes and well, it works in the way it only knows best. I am still afraid of the grand Universal Plan for my life. I am not the greatest at fast rides or the intangible. I still look through my fingers during the scary moments in horror movies. I drive really slow during a rain storm as I want to know what’s in front of me.
So, I am looking forward at learning how to allow surprises, to jump off a rock into the water. I am looking forward to a time when I just live fully in Faith. My emotional barnacles need to be removed and even though it seems that they are falling off slowly, at least I know they are falling off.
One step at a time right?
Yup, I’ll keep dreaming and I’ll keep opening up my heart.
Thank you for helping me along the way.
Until next time…….