Writers bleed

I woke up in searing pain. I had something stuck under my eyelid. As my eye slid back and forth, the thing scratched my fragile cornea. My eyes watered in hopes to remove whatever this foreign object was. My eye swelled, tears streaming. I used saline, water, showered, and even put a hot compress on this cornea shredding monster. 3 hours later, this monster was removed but the scratches and swelling remain. I love to sit outside in the morning, listening to the birds and watching the sunrise. Today, the dawn light was far too bright for my eye and it teared up. The tears gathering as a team to protect the delicate cornea. Driving to work was a challenge as only one eye could handle the Sun’s rays. As the day wears on, the eye begins to heal. The tears are no longer flowing and the swelling is down.

There is a sensational beauty in my moment of pain. Our bodies are so miraculous in the lending of self-made resources to achieve self-healing. The tears committed to protecting my eye. The eyelid committed to swelling to add more protection and the very pain caused me to be cautious during this healing process. How beautiful that my body can act as a team to work towards the same goal. My drive is maybe 15 minutes long but I was hit with the idea that if my body can act like this amazing healing team, why can’t we act that way as humans? It became very clear to me that my body has the power to heal itself and if we can begin to act like a team, this world can be healed.

This is how writers bleed. 

We write to control the bleeding. The Words. The emotions. The Sensations. The story.

As I drive to work, I watch folks fussing over the waste caused by Irma. The tree branches, leaves, debris, and broken roofs floating around each other’s yards. There are signs of mild flooding and almost every yard has a large pile of whats been gathered to be removed. There are a handful of folks complaining about all the work they have had to do because of this storm. I watch in amazing aw and try very hard not to yell at their complaints with my thinking. I want so badly to say, “you are an ass” as my mind’s images flip to the photos of Puerto Rico Or the damage in Barbuda. I would love to say: “You can not stand here tell me about all this work and not utter one word of being grateful?” I bit my lip and keep my fleeting thoughts to myself. It’s not my place to argue others feelings. They just don’t want to see the beauty in this moment. I am grateful to see it and to respect it. I have realized that there are just some folks that need to be unhappy. They like themselves better unhappy. So, I am learning to respect the fact that they are never going to see the beauty in this ever-changing world.

I have known my entire life that I have some purpose, some reason to be here. I have gone to hell and back a few times. I am still here. I was told how worthless, lazy, fat, hyper, stupid, and anything oppressive that suited that persons need to hurt me. But I am still here. My body will still heal me. My heart will still be scarred and tattered but it is healing. As I watch the yellow broken line in the middle of the road my minds creative juices start flowing and a story has to come out. My words are boiling in my veins, wanting to get out of my body. 55 MPH and 3 minutes to go until I can click on my keyboard.

My mind may be a maze of incredible thinking but there is no end to where my thoughts go. Leaving me, the writer, bleeding. My words flow throughout the mental labyrinth with such ferocity. My words mingle with my visions and scents. The words go unstoppable until they finally hit the keys on the keyboard. Racing to get out of my mind and to be shared with you.  My emotions can run wild, my thoughts are at times out of control and yet I am still here. I can no longer cry over whats been done. As I am still here. The intention? The purpose? As I work on the 5th version of my latest book, I am re-inspired to be a human on this planet. I am re-inspired to see all that I have done, endured and somehow got through. I am re-inspired to know for a fact that everyone on this planet could have the same ecstasy life that I do.  I am able to sit back and watch folks fussing, laughing, living and being apart of this world. I love it. I am so grateful.

I have come to terms with the fact that I still have a certain amount of Obstacles with the ineffective legal system in New Hampshire. I perfectly am aware that my ex is going to “drama-up” the next few years.  But time is running out for that drama too. I no longer have tears for this and I feel healed. My body acted as a team and has helped me to be at peace with all of this. I am going to get through that as I have everything else.

I must now LIVE fully in my life. Boy. that feels so good!!

I love to stand in the middle of my yard when it rains. I feel each drop hit me and I fall in love with being alive all over again. Each drop pushes its way across my skin and the warmth of the water becomes so refreshing. I love it. I am so grateful. When I sit I sit with purpose. I like to watch life unfold and I use all my senses to feel the moment. I wake up loving the very sensation of my bed, comforter, Bellas nose gentle leaning against the nap of my back and the excitement of what today will bring me to explore, to feel and to write about.

I love being alive, being healthier, happier and more at peace than I have ever known.

Yes, I am finally HERE.


 Until Next time…….

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